sex after the concert is optional (gumtree)

I have 2 x seated Radiohead tickets for sale to tomorrow nights (9th October) gig at the O2 arena also featuring Caribou. I am selling them for face value (£55 + £5 booking fee). The reason these 2 tickets are for sale is because it recently became apparent that my girlfriend (now ex), who was supposed to be coming with her friend, has been fornicated with 2 other men during our 3 year relationship. It is therefore necessary that the people purchasing these tickets be attractive females that will pose in flirty photos with us at the Radiohead gig – thus making the cheating cum bucket inconcievably outraged. The highest form of love for Radiohead is also mandatory. Sex after the concert is optional but encouraged. Cheers. Stu

Screengrab for future generations to savour:

Note to foreigners: Gumtree is our version of craigslist.

wanted: female bassist, must be sellout whore

Via Gumtree.

We are an establishing indie/rock female band who formed a few months ago, and now have offers from two major labels. Material is written and only now need to be recorded to complete the contract. Our bassist had to leave due to lack of commitment. We are set to be a four piece band again asap, a lead singer/guitarist, rhythm guitarist, drummer and are now in search for a female bassist, who can also sing backing vocals. As the style, quality and image for this band is quite particular, we need band members who are:

• Flexible in dressing/image for stage performances, interviews, and anything else on the band. – We carry a touch of masculinity and carelessness in image and voice, the lead singer carries a low toned voice which requires similar expectations for backing vocals
• A small bust and an average to skinny figure (Has a look that could fit into the band drawing image)
• Between ages 19- 24
• 100% committed to the band
• Ambitious minded and confident
• Open minded to ideas and cooperative
• Willing to learn and perform material that has already been written (This is music aimed at the media, it is not completely about what we like)

Our influences include The Strokes, Young the Giant, Arctic Monkeys, Kings of Leon, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Pearl Jam, Wolfmother and The Who. We vary by using fusions from eastern ragas, creating songs that familiarly fit into mainstream music, which is why we are on a roll. Our material and history has been temporarily hidden due to the search for new members.

The managers are aware that it is quite difficult to find female musicians who the bass. If you have any musical background or even own one of these instruments and are ready to get to the top we are willing to cooperate and try it out with you.

Please send photos and audiolinks.

So look out for The Swaras, the hot new band playing music for ‘the media’ and if anyone else likes it, it’s a bonus.

could you be a little more specific?

Our submitter writes: “Here is one of my favourite music emails from last year, when I was putting a band together with a string of Gumtree ads.”

Reply to Gumtree Ad: Singer wanted for 60s-influenced garage/psychedelic band

Him: need musicians//or rather manager./producer-I sing/write songs

“Me: Could you be a little more specific?”

Him: to elaborate/the gov is to ensure every citizens talents aedeveloped and utilised-otherwise the police will be given community service/the meia tells us what is-instead of the people telling the gov and media what is/we have a crooked system in the uk-I sing/its not for fame and fortune/but if the money can help others so be it/but whilst the police go walk-about/I’ve got no venue where I can sing/and the church the academics should be spelling it out/crime is when the state does’nt utilise the talents of all the people/we need radical politics in this country but non-violent-unlike populat tv/and the police that rule by intimidation/we need to build community on arts and science-and not on uniforms//song;and I’ll meet you…. on the dark side of the Moon;when I’m dreaming-in the middle month of June. in the meadows;in the forests;by the silver stream and sand dunes too to make a home out of the impossible-because I’m so in love with you. and I’ll embrace you/and kiss you and make our life complete….on the other side of the Moon and the whole wide world will turn in their seat-and say aint that something neat…. with a church and steeple-and a gospel choir the word of love is telling us-to explore is our desire. use if you wish…[revise;are developed///an media//

“Needless to say, we did not ask him round for a jam.”

“might help if you talked about your own experience and linked to some demos rather than going off on one”

Rag-Claw needs YOU!

From a wanted ad…

Key boardist, Drummer, Guitarist, Vocalist Needed (Feltham)

Join a revolution that seeks to redefine the music industry with passionate music of self-expression.
You have the option to be at the forefront of an offshoot of metal which intends to put the edge and enthusiasm back into this dying art form. The music I speak of is Chaos metal, a music which intends not only to preserve but glorify music as art and not a product. In the day and age within which we live people’s only interest is money and power, and any righteous or selfless act is frowned upon. I seek to alter that popular trend and replace it with an older more innocent way of aspiring to music.

Beethoven died without a penny to his name, and yet after his death has been immortalized. It deserves to be this way, he deserves to be praised with eternal respect. The reason for me explicitly praising the likes of Beethoven, is because he made music for the love of music. This reflects in the quality of music that he composed, each and every piece contained his heart and soul. I speak not only for the likes of Beethoven but for all of them, the musical greats that stem back to a time when music was art in it’s highest form, Wagner, Mozart, Bach, Vivaldi and Beethoven. No music nowadays has been able to replicate music with such soul and passion. The only modern music that has reached a level of musical mastery to this extent is black/death metal.

Music nowadays may be “cutting edge” “unique” “breaking boundaries” but it’s soulless and dead. Behind popular media the mainstream music of today is empty, with nothing setting it apart from the rest. It bears the same monotonous tone that it has for decades. Anything new is simply rehashed over and over again, until it is dried up of any interesting or intriguing qualities that it may have had. This is a common trend something I like to call the “same old song” dilemma. Even metal nowadays is succumbing to this trend of being empty and soulless. The likes of Core and Nu-metal are choking any vibrant or ambiently unique and interesting qualities that the music once bore. Chaos metal is a surefire way to relinquish this mockery of the music you and I both love. All for one purpose, money, a word I’ve come to despise!

If you have read up to this point and are still interested, I might as well go ahead and tell you exactly what the deeper meaning of chaos metal is. Chaos metal deals with Chaos theory (more popularly known as the butterfly effect) which is the theory that random and irrelevant changes in an ecosystem will eventually destroy the very system that binds that environment together. Chaos metal relates this theory to society, in that irrelevant and over all gratuitous changes that have little to no bearing on important matters will bring about the destruction of that society.

If you are unconvinced take a look around you, tell me what do you see. The dissipation of cultural values, the degeneration of morality, the decline of meaningful opinion and the overall rise of stupidity led ultimately by ignorance. The literalistic views of the day and age have all in a choke hold. I’ll put it to you bluntly, there is no equality. People all have different skills and talents. The government constantly attempts to force this false opinion down our throats that we are all the same, and their wrong. Some people are clever some people are stupid some people are out right retarded, some people are strong some people are weak, some people are fast while others are not. This attempt to keep us all docile and submissive doesn’t work or at least it doesn’t work on me. To top it all off they have built us all a stupid cage to lock ourselves into called “political correctness”.
So all of a sudden if you express an opinion which you know to be fact you’re politically incorrect.
Where is the logic in any of this? You might ask. Well you’ll be “surprised” to know there is none. It’s just stupid people leading ignorant people.

So if you want to be part of a metal movement with attitude, back bone and a strong message. I welcome you.

this is not pretentious

At present, my daily activities include working as an SSA at a school near Wimbledon, and outlining a book (pertaining to the ’minor’ genre of anarcha-feminist advocacy) interconnecting ethical questions concerning the ways in which the cultural devaluation of midwifery impacts on public health with a novel paradigm for philosophic-poetic praxis (I’m resolved to retaining one artistic persona committed to lyric poetry and song despite the fact that it could be seen as irreconcilable with the fact that I’m increasingly interested in writing poetry consonant with a Deleuzian affirmation of affective becoming attending to the stuttering of the creative moment, slips into unsyntactical speech, the emergence of breath patterns unbound by the dictates of calculative rationality, dismantling the ‘grammar of control,’ ‘syntax of command’ and the subject of narcissistic ‘self-expression’ that homogenising ideologies rest upon, and thus opening spaces for alterity to enter, the voice to be relocated, beyond the clamour of institutionalised materialism). But please don’t let all that bother you! I’m fortunate enough to have enough time and energy to give the music a serious shot.

Via Gumtree. Oof!

shut up, soul singers

Found in Music And Video Exchange, Greenwich.

bog off, beardos! only clean-cut REAL drummers required

My Name is Mark Summers
I am the head Casting Director at Mark Summers Casting UK.
Our clients have included Madonna , Justin Timberlake , Kanye West , 50 cent ,Duffy , Kylie & many more.

We are currently casting a major international live event/show
to take place in London.

Due to the high profile of this job we cannot at this stage mention what
this event/show is.

We are looking for the UK’s most talented drummers to audition and to
take part in this once in a life time project.

Overall the Talent must be free between July 09-March 2010.
There will be a few months break in between the dates TBC
Please don’t suggest who are planning going on holiday or who are
not willing to change their plans if they get a role.

CASTING FOR THE FOLLOWING ROLES

10th / 12th / 13th / 14th June 09 in London Location TBC

6 Real MARCHING SNARE DRUMMERS (male & female)
(YOUNG ADULT, 18+ CLEAN CUT, ALL RACES)
They must be real drummers so please do not waste our time suggesting people
who are not real drummers.

The drummers will also be paid a good fee

Please email us a photo & some information of your suggestions.

Also to stop emails going into our spam file please mark in the subject line
Drummers

most children should be banned from making music

Via Awesome Pals (and Gumtree. Natch).

Bassist wanted for already formed thrash metal band
Location: Wortley ls12

Hello =]
My band mates and I are looking for a bassist with interests in music such as: Lamb of god, Slipknot, Children of bodom, soil, and so on.
We also play some Blink-182, i know it seems in great contrast to all the other bands we listen to, but we really love blink-182 and they are the main source of music that we play. We do, and will venture into thrash metal.

Our band doesn’t currently have a name, so suggestions would also be greatful.
We would prefer it if you were between the ages of 13 to 20.
The ages in th band currently are very different. The three of us are aged 12, 15 and 17 and are all very good at what we do.

If you are interested, or know of someone who might be then please get in touch.
Thank you, Joey.