Shut Up, Bands

Hey! Musicians! Unless you have the necessary journalistic skills to counter-attack, you will generally just end up looking like a tit. Like the guy who responded to this review.

His gig at vicar st was truly amazing and I wish I could be in oz to see him play the Garden Party Festival. Once again those who have no idea what they are talking about or who are jealous I recommend to keep it to yourself or seriously you risk deformation suit for your comments. The song was given 5 stars by the irish times and three by the irish sun and a similar view in the hot press. WHO ARE YOU???

Brilliant.

[via DiS]

This guy is a massive bellend.

“I asked this band to play for me & this was their reply…..”

Hi, Thanks for the gig offer. We’d love to play but I’m afraid I’m not allowed within the borough of Camden. Do you promote nights in any other area of London?

Brooker? Is that you?

Via @Rhodri. Again.

How NOT to use Twitter to promote your band. twitter.com/PFNI

Something a bit different this time. Our submitter writes: “We’re currently about 3 weeks away from putting on a festival and therefore working round the clock, surviving on Kit Kats and crying blood. The girl who takes care of our Facebook stuff was also working this evening and a character called Daniel popped up. What followed made us laugh for a while, but also feel a bit sad for humanity. Strangely, 99% of the bands we turn down for the festival are really lovely – even the band who informed us we were making a huge mistake as they were about to embark on a huge tour supporting The Proclaimers.”

Transcription follows.

Daniel:
Hallo there

Abbie [from the festival]:
hey :)

Daniel:
Can I speak to one of the Festival organisers?
I’ve been e mailing you for along while

Abbie:
unfortunately i only do the facebook :)

Daniel:
but have not received any respopnse
It is about a band booking for [the festival]
Who can I contact directly and on what tel numbers or e mails to receive a response?

Abbie:
ah ok, i know they receive a ton of emails, especially from bands
2000 artists submitted their details this year

Daniel:
They may do

Abbie:
and all stages are booked now

Daniel:
But I approached the organisers perosnally

Abbie:
i’d imagine a lot of people did :)

Daniel:
and nobody bothered to respond either way
So who is in charge and available on wehat numbers and e mail addresses?
Can yopu rpovide me with their names and details?
In any case, who am I speaking to?
Are you one of the organisers?

Abbie:
no, i just do the facebook…
i can’t really pass on numbers

Daniel:
who can?
who can?

Abbie:
are you a booking agent?

Daniel:
How is the organiser to be contacted?
As e mais are never responded to?
?

Abbie:
who have you been emailing? they are incredibly busy, and unfortunately sometimes all emails can’t be responded to…are you a booking agent?

Daniel:
Check out my details on line – will tell you all about who I am and what I do
I thought if you were with the organisers you would have known of me! ?

Abbie:
i have said twice now i do the facebook
which band are you representing?

Daniel:
I am [names band] band manager
[names some acronym] Music Management Group

Abbie:
do you have a website?

Daniel:
all deails available from here

Abbie:
i don’t really need details to be honest, i just googled “[name of management company]” and nothing came up.

Daniel:
Either way, what you can do is to tell organisers to contact me

Abbie:
how long have you been booking for artists Daniel, because it doesn’t really work like that…unless a band is well known
then they go to the agents, etc

Daniel:
?
Who am I speaking to ?
Can you identify yourself?

Abbie:
yes, my names abbie, i work on the facebook for [XXXX] Festival…

Daniel:
ok
Many thanks
How old are you?

Abbie:
this is getting a bit weird…?
i’m 25

Daniel:
Many thx
So how can I get hold of the organisers?

Abbie:
i thought you’d been in touch already? who had you been in touch with?

Daniel:
As they are not responding to written correspondence

Abbie:
what is it regarding?

Daniel:
Ok Abby I thank you for your help so far
I ll ask one of my assistants to get hold of the otganisers
So far received no repsonse at all

Abbie:
in regards…?

Daniel:
Regarding band bookings

Abbie:
all bands are booked Daniel.

Daniel:
I thank you for your help so far, but I really need to speak to the otganisers
Good night

On Amy Macdonald’s Wikipedia page, “I don’t think there’s a single sentence in the first paragraph of ‘Career’ that isn’t GOLD,” our submitter spurts.

Which, at time of writing, read as such:

Reviewers have described Macdonald as softly spoken but with a booming singing voice. Despite her Scottish origins, her singing voice is described as partly Irish and similar to Dolores O’Riordan of The Cranberries. She has called herself a slight tomboy. On her MySpace blog, she mentions cars, such as Audis, and video games as her interests. Macdonald expressed how fast her life is moving when she mentions her admiration when meeting other singers from the UK such as Travis’s Fran Healy and Elton John.

Amazing.

Our submitter writes: “Thought you might enjoy the following video, involving a bunch of preposterously self-regarding wankers called Raygun. A mate sent me the link and I immediately thought of your website. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a band dress up quite such a paucity of ideas (both musical and intellectual) with such a ridiculous veneer of self-indulgent, over-the-top nonsense.

“Highlights include the singer complaining about the Jobcentre not being able to get him into the music industry, comparing their turgid pop-rock schlock to Berlin-era Bowie and James Brown, and wondering aloud what God thinks of him. Originally I thought they were a landfill indie version of The Darkness, but it appears they’re entirely without irony, which is pretty much the most terrifying thing I could imagine. Unsurprisingly, they’re already signed to Sony BMG.”

Humanity disgusts me.

A band writes: “This is genius. The prestigious Flex Nightclub in Dagenham! A record deal with a well respected label, a UK single entry AND a full press release! A press release!!! Amazing. The competition is on Weds 22nd July but started in June! Truly, the CHANCE OF LIFE TIME!

I’ve bolded my favourite bits.”

This is a CHANCE OF LIFE TIME!

Iconic Productions, Flex Nightclub and [Energy drink I'm not reprinting here unless they send me loads of the stuff for free] have come together and created a battle of the bands which any band would want to be involved in.

Winning band will get a record deal with a well respected label, uk single entry, full press release and lots of cash!

VENUE: Flex Nightclub, Dagenham.
PERFORMANCE TIME: 4 Songs

!!!!!WE ONLY HAVE 4 SPACES LEFT IN THE WHOLE COMPETITION WHICH IS THIS WEDNESDAY 22ND JULY [that'll be, ooh, today?]!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Started in June and run for 8 Heats, 4 Quarter Finals, 2 Semi Finals then Grand Final will be 7th October

If intrested please reply with

Band Setup – Guitarists, Vocalists etc
Band Contact Details.

Thanks

Tom Iconic Team

COOL. THANKS. WHERE DO I SIGN?

It’s a good idea to check the spelling of your logo before plastering on your page, hmm?

Their Myspace has since been deleted. What a pity.

La Roux has told the ‘Beeb’ that that R’n'B music is “very kind of empty, like hollow and not rooted in anything good or healthy. Lyrically it’s just like really really bad – I think a lot of it just doesn’t mean anything.”

A selection of La Roux’s lryics:

We can fight our desires,
ooooo-ooooo,
but when we start making fires.
We get ever so hot,
ooooo-ooooo,
whether we like it or not.

Back on the subject of R’n'B, she said, “I think a lot of it is, ‘Baby I love you, I want to kiss you’. It’s just like what are you on about?”

“Shut up,” she added.

Unfortunately The Give It Ups have had to pull out of tonight’s bill at the Lexington as one of them has been run over by a car. They’re alright though, just a bit tyred. (Boom! Boom!)