Shut Up, Bands

Hi. We’re back.

We are a new Gypskazz band.
We have an unique sound that combines the traditions of gypsy jazz with Londonbeat and second and third wave Ska.
The set consists of covers (made gypskazz) such as The Pink Panther, Bad, Lithium by Nirvana and jazz classics such as Nat King Cole’s Nature Boy made famous by David Bowie in Moulin Rouge, and From Russia with Love, a James bond classic. The band also plays a few original tunes such as infamous ‘London Town’ written by Melzebra.

Our last gig we were described as “refreshing, different and exciting.”
As you may already know, gypsy jazz ska or gypskazz is a very in vogue sound at the moment.
So will be a great night of music and entertainment.

Googling ‘gypskazz’ will bring up the name of this band and the names of no other bands within this hot new genre. That’s hot. You can say you were there at the start.

My name is [blah blah] and I manage a band named the [really terrible name] who is formed of highly talented and experienced individuals resident in London.

The band is a pop/rock covers band of 4 people playing mostly popular, modern, main stream songs and currently play at some special events and parties.
Every member of the band has more than 10 years of band and stage experience and I believe we can be a quite good fit for venues such as yours.

Really no idea how they’ve come to that conclusion.

For your convenience I attach the recent repertoire of the Band also share with you the facebook page where you will be able to view some videos of recent gigs and demo records. However please do bear in mind that the audio records are of poor quality and are not the best indicator of the Band’s performance.

OK, we’ll bear that in mind! I’ve never found that listening to a band’s music is a real indication of what their music is like anyway.

They are much mor influential on stage with great reviews and comments from the crowds.

Thanks for clearing that up!!!!!!!!!11

A manager emails…

DONT MISS THIS, [Metal Band] a great new metal band up and coming already having torn apart the O2 academy… some major festivals this year

Which ones?

and more, much more,

Such as…?

are playing at “THE HOPE AND ANCHOR” Camden/Islington

I think you’ll find it’s just Islington. Unless you mean the pub next to Koko which doesn’t host live music.

on stage 8.30 come on down and see this band that everyones talking about !!!

Pretty sure they’re not.

you will want to sign them up there and then !.

Sign them up to what? You seem to have just emailled a load of venues. All they’re going to sign for is their Heineken delivery.

Messiah are a 5 piece indie rock band from Edinburgh who are heavily influenced by british music including bands such as oasis, stone roses, the verve and kasabian.

It shows.

They have been together for a year now and have just finished recording the debut album ‘synesthesia’ which will be available for download at the end of April through all major sites. Over the past year we have attracted the attention of several record labels and have acheived some great things including being crowned champions of the st helier rock music crown 2010 as the best unsigned band in the Uk and Ireland. They believe that the music scene is goin backwards in the uk and strive to resurrect the sound of the 90s whilst applying a modern day twist to capture the finer moments and the glory days that once stood!

Not really hearing that modern day twist.

I’f You care to listen to demos from the forthcoming album you can do so using the following link; I have also sent a link for the official facebook page should you wish to keep up to date with the progress and updates. Thanks alot for your time and please feel free to share the music if you wish!

Will do.
Cheers.

www.reverbnation.com/messiahedinburgh

The Only Way Is Essex is returning to our screens next month and [The Booking Agency] are delighted to remind you that a number of stars of the show are available for live bookings.

The ITV2 show surpassed all expectations last year and became a huge success, being watched by an average of 1.5 million viewers each week.

One of the main stars of the show has been Sam Faiers, who brought her glamour to the screen and has gone on to grace the covers of numerous gossip magazines in recent months.

Sam’s good friend on the show is Harry Derbidge, whose catchphrase ‘Shut Up’ has turned him into a national icon.

Harry epitomises everything that is glam and fab about Essex.

Shut up.

We’re a 3 piece rock band from N/w kent-S-e London and have been struggling to find cool live music venues in kent and London untill now. I’ve attached a rough old demo so you can check us out, however please listen beyond the first 10-12 seconds of silence as the track WILL actually start I promise.

Ah, see, now that’s where you’ve been going wrong.

We are an enthusiastic band and willing to travel, we are currently studying popular music at Leeds University therefore a date in June/ July would be preferable but it wouldn’t be the first time we skipped Uni for a gig if not possible :) haha.

Shut Up, Bands frowns at your lack of uni education. ಠ_ಠ

And finally, one request in full…

hi wondered how i went bout performing at ur venue
[with link to his myspace page]

Well… at least it’s short.

we’re POISON IVY BAND an italian famous band…

They have 322 friends on Facebook. It’s amazing what it means to be ‘famous’ these days.

… which can play different kind of repertory from electric to acoustic one, we’re able to play international pop/rock acoustic and electric repertory.

We can also suggest a double solution for a show: acoustic fancy sophisticated show and a band(3 players)with inedited songs.

Oooh, the acoustic fancy sophisticated show, please!

We do the full Beatles experience.. we have all the right guitars, amps and costumes and even do the Beatles wit.. we always get the audiences dancing and singing along. Also we have much more energy on stage then many other Beatles tribute bands (we’re in our thirties so are younger then most)

… Nah.

I’d like to introduce myself and my music proposal.
I have two albums with my own stuff, influenced by Bruce Springsteen, so I’ve just released my third album, It’a a tribute to Bruce Springsteen

Figures.

The gig pays £125, Stevenage, Herts.

Hello mate,

I’m assuming that Trojan isn’t your real name, unless you’re that bloke from Gladiators who’s fallen on hard times. LOL.

Anyhoo Troje, I know we haven’t met yet. But I saw your post on chortle and wanted to let you know that I have heard good things about your clubs and would be happy to be the headliner for you on the 16th December, although I will be doubling up if that’s okay?

I’ve been doing comedy for just over a year and in that time I’ve stacked up 577 gigs. I’ve always done well and a lot of people tell me that I’m a natural. I have references from some of the best acts on the U.K. and international circuit. I was robbed during the Laughing Horse competition. That’ll teach me to go to Hackney. LOL. I supported some names on tour as well after only my fifth gig and I can tailor my material to suit any audience, from after dinner speaking with posh people to Chavs who attend football clubs. I can speak a bit slower if it makes it easier for them. I don’t usually come out for less than 130, but you can buy me a pint if you like and a whisky chaser to make up the difference. I won’t be driving. I assume that you will provide transport for me.

Does the Fee include accommodation? I’m coming from London.

I’m in between agents at the moment (And not in a good way) LOL. So it’s best to contact me directly on this email. My website is working at the moment and the guy at comedy CV refused to put the quote from Ricky Gervais that said, “Thank God I’ve never had to be on the bill with Dave. He’s a genius.” So I asked him to remove it from his site.

If you need to know anything else then please let me know.

I am very much in demand at themoment. I gig for nearly everyone and would love to play with you at your club/s. Just ask if you need to know anything else.

Thanks for reading this.

He follows it up.

I’ll admit that I don’t have a quote from THE Ricky Gervais. The truth is that I used to work with a bloke called Richard Jarvis. He didn’t call me a genius, but poetic license and all that. His actual words were, “massive penis” which I might use in my publicity if I have to do a ladies night again.

Via Chortle

The Imperial Hotel in Blackpool have emailled again to remind us about their up-coming event. Phew, I’m so glad, as I had forgotten to book the coach party up there. I will get that sorted now!!!

Here are the treats lined up.

Nina and the Bottle Rockets (party band)
Glee Tribute
Shirley Bassey Tribute
Groovestar (party band)
Robbie Williams Tribute
Funk Monkeys (Party Band)
Soul Town (Motown duo)
The Floorshakers (Party Band)
80′s Sensation (80′s Tribute Band)
Disturbia (4 Tributes in one show!)
Boomin (Indie Rock Band)
Man in the Mirror (Tribute Band)
Take Fat (Comedy Tribute)
Now That’s 80′s (80′s tribute Band)
Stilt-Walkers and Peripheral Entertainment
Compere – Simon Robertson

I think my favourite is the slightly misplaced ‘indie rock band’.

Hey I have This Artist She A female Singer She has A Great Fan Base And I was wondering if she could headline at your venue all Promoting would be done by management Please do get back to me.

No further details provided. Don’t all rush at once, promoters.

As a resident of NW1, Shut Up Bands would like to distance itself from this horseshit album and following press release about “The Sound Of Camden” CD. Any tourist found purchasing a copy will also receive a swift punch in the back of the head, and general mocking.

Mutya Buena is the main voice in this album that covers songs of U2, The Pixies or The Rolling Stones and mix them with the distinctive “sound of Camden”.

Tracklist

1. Anybody Seen My Baby (Rolling Stones)
2. Come As You Are (Nirvana)
3. Come Back And Stay (J. Lee/Paul Young)
4. Creep (Radiohead)
5. Sunday Bloody Sunday (U2)
6. Like A Stone (Audioslave)
7. Shine On (House of Love)
8. Hey (Pixies)
9. Zombie (Cranberries)
10. I Run (Flock of Seagulls)
11. Ancient Melody (Roy Sela)

“I am connected to the market and now I am singing songs that my mother loves as well, it’s amazing !” – Mutya Buena

Famous for its vibrancy, its cultural diversity and for its music, Stables Market is unique amongst its peers. Steeped in history and individuality, totally cosmopolitan and eclectic, there is now an album series that captures the Sound of Camden and the vibe therein perfectly.

Owner Bebo Kobo and entrepreneur Itay Sachish have joined forces with music producer Roy Sela to deliver a series of albums that captivate the unique magical vibe that is Stables Market. The albums cover the electronic, classic and revolutionary sounds of bands such as U2, The Pixies, The Rolling Stones and more, tracks that are synonymous with the Sound of Camden.

Featuring Mutya Buena’s amazing vocals on six tracks, the Sound of Camden is a must have for anyone who has ever been to Camden town and its world famous markets.

With over 2800 stalls all selling the ‘Sound of Camden’, this makes Stables Market the world’s largest record store for the album and the series.

Anyone who has known, loved or visited Camden will love the ‘Sound of Camden’ – the definitive musical guide to the capitals most vibrant location.

What a big load of donkey’s cock.

Someone mysteriously only known as JTM writes:

I like bands to keep things short and punchy when they write to me, but when you get e-mails, daily, from a band with only the following illuminating content, you begin to despair:

—
Subject: stiltwakers

Join Us Join Us become a fan.

http://www.reverbnation.com/stiltwalkers
—-

After the 7th daily e-mail, out of morbid curiosity, I had a listen to their music. If you like bad Nine Inch Nails rip-offs, with vocals that sound like Glenn Danzig being impersonated by Vic Reeves, you’re sure to love Stiltwalkers. Straight to blacklist.

Sent to a venue I work for (in London).

We’re holding our annual Band & Tribute Showcase event on Tuesday 26th October (evening only) at:

The Imperial Hotel
North Promenade
Blackpool
FY1 2HB

Throughout the evening we will be showcasing approximately 15 live acts between 7:00pm – 11:30pm.

A buffet with chocolate fountain will be provided during a break and highlights include Live Party bands & many Tribute Acts, plus peripheral entertainment including Stilt-Walkers and Burlesque Dancers. We will provide you with a line-up closer to the date.

Please do!

If you require overnight accommodation, we can recommend the following hotels:
The Imperial Hotel, North Promenade, Blackpool
Travelodge, Talbot Square, Blackpool, Lancashire

Is that it? Blackpool sucks.

Please let me know if you are able to attend!

We hope to see you on the day.

Thanks! We’ll be sure to put on a coach.

She has yet to respond to my RSVP. :-(

A band who played a gig one was involved with three years ago at teeny London venue The Fly (now deceased) are finally releasing their debut single. It reminded me of an email exchange regarding them, between promoter and booking agent, when said band were given the ‘main support’ rather than the agent’s band (who were never offered the ‘main support’ in the first place). Read: four small bands ultimately only a small handful of people really cared about at the time and now mainly reside in the where-are-they-now category. Who cares?

A booking agent wrote:

I’m a little confused. I had thought this was a direct (main) support for [Headline Band]. I will have to check with the band if they’re willing to do it as a first on, given the fact that you couldn’t offer them anything near their usual fee. They were willing to do it as a main support for [Headline Band], but I’ll have to see if this is cool with them. [Another Band On The Bill] are a great band, but not as good a puller in London as [Booking Agent's Band]. It feels a little like they’re being used for early numbers. I assume [Main Support] are [Headline Band]‘s tour support, otherwise, who the hell are they?

Just to give you an idea, they’ve recently been added to the bill at Secret Garden Party and are shortlisted for Bestival, among others. They’re also regularly offered headlines at top nights, such as Be @ Proud, and [Booking Agent's Own Club Night] @ [Once Trendy East London Venue].

What an ego-fest.

All the things one doesn’t want to hear in the space of three sentences.

Our music is all origional (although we can play covers if asked) and is influenced, by bassically, anything we like the sound of. Our music covers rock genres from the Oasisesque style of brit pop and the more modern sounds of The Arctic Monkeys to heavier guitar riffs which are influeced by bands such as Rage Against The Machines to the funkier style of The Red Hot Chilli Peppers. We won one of the regional battle of the bands (which was our first battle) and one of the of most highly regarded aspects of our set was the diversty and qualty of our music.

No music or any link music was sent… not that we would’ve listened anyway, quite frankly.

My name is [Something], musician and songwriter from Italy.

I’m sorry for my insistence emails but I need an answer to organized the tour.

My band and me will be in London from May 1st to May 10th to promote my new album in english and italian lyrics and we are looking for gigs, venues and concerts around the town. We play songs of mine for a Brit Rock sound and cover about Beatles, Robbie Williams, Muse and Blur.

We want to play in London, we love London and will be really pleasure to play in the town where the Beatles began famous.

After receiving email number 12 from ‘jack kendall’ (five of those emails were received about his terrible covers bands last month), we got round to asking to be removed from his mailing list.
This was the response.

“alright prick, dont take that tone with me, i will remove you, dick, its a shit ole any way”

I’m sure this pathetic careerist bellhole, Jack Kendall, will go far. You can book his covers band for “only £250″. Go on, jump at this chance in a lifetime.

No, no you wouldn’t.

[click for biggie]

From the same email author as this. Since September ’09, Jack Kendall has also emailled us about his other band Wellerman, “the essex’s most best and original paul weller and the jam band… THE BEST PARTY AROUND!!”, “The legendary Jack and Danny Chas & Dave Tribute Band”, and “The Commited”, whose marvellous poster you can see below.