Shut Up, Bands

Or, “The Worst Event Invite I Ever ‘Ad”

Hi Shut Up, Bands

Having won multiple awards including ‘Outstanding Services to the Industry’ at the London Club & Bar Awards 2012 and ‘Best UK Promoter 2008′ [really? - SUB], SINTILLATE have hosted over 7000 parties and are famous for our Champagne Spray Parties at Ocean Club in Marbella! Some of the videos we produced from our parties have had over 1 million hits on Youtube.

We have had the who’s who of celebrities attend our parties over the years with recent guests including One Direction, The Wanted, Little Mix, Bruno Mars, Drake, Tulisa, Alesha Dixon, Katie Price, Joe Calzaghe, Amir Khan, the cast of Hollyoaks, TOWIE, Geordie Shore, Made In Chelsea and many more! [I'm sold - SUB]

Every Saturday, SINTILLATE welcomes the Capital’s elite to enjoy an amazing night in the truly spectacular venue, Shaka Zulu. This two floored open plan ‘Vegas styled’ Camden venue boasts 20ft statues, escalators descending from the ground level entrance and a state of the art sound system. It’s easy to see why Shaka Zulu recently won ‘Best Interior’ at The London Club & Bar Awards 2012. [And it still manages to look horrific - SUB]

This two floored venue boasts a capacity of over 800 guests and set over groundbreaking 27,000sq feet, it’s the pinnacle of partying within The Stables Market in Camden. Shaka Zulu immerses you in Africa [bet they don't even play Toto - SUB] as you take a step inside the beautifully designed venue with carved wooden murals covering every inch of its walls and ceilings. It really is a beautiful space to host a SINTILLATE party!

We return to the stunning Shaka Zulu this Saturday, with SINTILLATE Director of Music Rich Stone joining us to play an eclectic set of house, club classics and disco. [All ma fave genres. How did I get on this list? Must've joined it whilst drunk - SUB]

We’ve fantastic music from our world class DJ’s, you?ll be swept away in the amazing atmosphere as you party the night away in gorgeous surroundings of Shaka Zulu; just ask Tom from The Wanted or Jennifer Metcalfe as seen in Hollyoaks [OK, I will - SUB], who’ve both celebrated their birthdays with us recently!

hi i do a tribute to ozzy ozzbourn and rock its the bees its a 2 part show
with lazer and lights and a 2 k rig just put in utube tony gold sings ozzy
no website at the mo as go out as tom jones for the last 19 years
not add it yet just a big fan lol

Hello,
SHIT NEED YOU!! Our little band have been playing all around the south, and now it’s time to travel the length of the country smearing our shite as we go. We are happy to play first, last, lock-ins and bedrooms, just anywhere with a PA which we can plug into and play away. Described as ‘The most unpretentious band we’ve had play in a long time’ by The Constitution in Camden, we sing merry little songs about Rape, Aids, Ham, World of Warcraft, Terrorism and Keeping Britain Tidy.

SHIT are a truly DIY Acoustic Punk band, our ‘shitkit’ is made of pots and pans and whatever else we can find. Each drumkit is built on the day of the show from locally sourced materials… We ask locals for building sites and skips and come armed with but a hammer and nails and fancy dress. We’ve taken this kit along with a ukulele, kazoo, double bass and guitar to many a venue including the 12 Bar, Constitution, Macbeth (London), The Hope, The Freebutt (Brighton), The Railway (Winchester) and surprisingly many more, all over the place. SHIT is certainly a live experience, however if you would like to bludgeon your eardrums further we are on Spotify and I-Tunes, and one of our super early Youtube videos has over 29,000 views (Search term Tit Wank probably helps… We’ve probably upset a few porn-searchers there!)

No shit.

Come December we will be embarking on the ‘Poo Piss Bum Willy Tit Wank’ tour, ensuring that everybody gives their child a swear word this Christmas. It will be to support our second album ‘You Can’t Polish a Turd’. We are looking for shows on route up norf between the 3rd-9th Dec, however if you’ve a suggestion of another date.. that’s cool too. If you have a slot which could work for SHIT, please do let us know, if you on the other hand believe that our band deserve to be decapitated and our heads thrown down the village well… please also let me know, we could become great friends.

All the best,
The Shits

From the SUB inbox 2011 (yeah we keep all this shit to use WHEN WE FEEL LIKE IT).

My name is [Manager Name] writing to you as manager of the group [Band Name] a london based band. [snip]

Just to give you a little insight into where and what we have done previous: -

Jan 2008 an entertainment agency in Milton Keynes found us on MySpace and got in touch with us, we went and met up with them, they liked us and let us open Neyo’s gig. They liked us mainly because we were fresh and new and could see we had potential.

February 2010 we flew to Ireland with Chipmunk for a 2 date show. With this we managed to get ourselves on to Central ITV news. Here we are talking about our short term success and drive. We talk further more about our releases and future gigs etc.

Please note that during this interview we were signed to an independent label, but we are no longer.

In November 2010 we were asked to switch on the christmas lights St Helens along with R ‘n’ B group “Encore” and BGT finalists “Twist n Pulse” (pictures attached). It was [the Band's] third time performing in St Helens and the 8,000 plus crowd went crazy for the performance.

We are planning on organising turning the Christmas Lights on again at St Helens,2011 we,ve done this on two previous occasions,also turned on the lights in banbury 2009 with Blazing Squad.and preston 2009 with Dj ironik

Our main aim and what we really want to achieve now, is work on getting [the Band] well known in the UK. Its a tough market to break into but we all strongly feel its a matter of “when” and not “if”. The main thing we are looking to do is publish our latest song [Song 1] and [Song 2] [hey, that's two songs] . We are fortunate through a sheer twist of fate to be in contact with the head of Radio 1 George Ergatoudis which is a rarity for a unsigned act to do so but he likes us and wants us to raise our profile in the uk to give us radio support [are you sure about that?]. below is a quote taken from an email i received from george regarding our [Song 1] video

Hi [Manager].
You’d need to get 1Xtra interested before Radio 1.

I looked at the Youtube video.
It’s professional, but you are making music in pretty much the most competiive genre in the UK music business right now.
You’d have to build your profile over here first before I’d consider radio support.

George Ergatoudis
Head Of Music
BBC Radio 1 and BBC Radio 1Xtra

:-D

Their appearance at the Christmas lights ceremony in St Helens in 2012 is not currently known.

Has it really come to this?

The Jessie Jayne show is the leading Tribute to the Mega star Jessie J.

From the Ghetto chic costumes, the Essex accent and the unique powerful vocals and energetic stage presence the Jessie Jayne Show brings this to life being the UK’s leading tribute to Jessie J.

The show has toured the UK and abroad and has received excellent comments from many respected musicians and agents. Regularly being rebooked by many clients.

Mmm, that’s hott.
Mmm, “clients”.

I love a good, old fashioned, failed mail merge.

Hi. We’re back.

We are a new Gypskazz band.
We have an unique sound that combines the traditions of gypsy jazz with Londonbeat and second and third wave Ska.
The set consists of covers (made gypskazz) such as The Pink Panther, Bad, Lithium by Nirvana and jazz classics such as Nat King Cole’s Nature Boy made famous by David Bowie in Moulin Rouge, and From Russia with Love, a James bond classic. The band also plays a few original tunes such as infamous ‘London Town’ written by Melzebra.

Our last gig we were described as “refreshing, different and exciting.”
As you may already know, gypsy jazz ska or gypskazz is a very in vogue sound at the moment.
So will be a great night of music and entertainment.

Googling ‘gypskazz’ will bring up the name of this band and the names of no other bands within this hot new genre. That’s hot. You can say you were there at the start.

My name is [blah blah] and I manage a band named the [really terrible name] who is formed of highly talented and experienced individuals resident in London.

The band is a pop/rock covers band of 4 people playing mostly popular, modern, main stream songs and currently play at some special events and parties.
Every member of the band has more than 10 years of band and stage experience and I believe we can be a quite good fit for venues such as yours.

Really no idea how they’ve come to that conclusion.

For your convenience I attach the recent repertoire of the Band also share with you the facebook page where you will be able to view some videos of recent gigs and demo records. However please do bear in mind that the audio records are of poor quality and are not the best indicator of the Band’s performance.

OK, we’ll bear that in mind! I’ve never found that listening to a band’s music is a real indication of what their music is like anyway.

They are much mor influential on stage with great reviews and comments from the crowds.

Thanks for clearing that up!!!!!!!!!11

A manager emails…

DONT MISS THIS, [Metal Band] a great new metal band up and coming already having torn apart the O2 academy… some major festivals this year

Which ones?

and more, much more,

Such as…?

are playing at “THE HOPE AND ANCHOR” Camden/Islington

I think you’ll find it’s just Islington. Unless you mean the pub next to Koko which doesn’t host live music.

on stage 8.30 come on down and see this band that everyones talking about !!!

Pretty sure they’re not.

you will want to sign them up there and then !.

Sign them up to what? You seem to have just emailled a load of venues. All they’re going to sign for is their Heineken delivery.

Messiah are a 5 piece indie rock band from Edinburgh who are heavily influenced by british music including bands such as oasis, stone roses, the verve and kasabian.

It shows.

They have been together for a year now and have just finished recording the debut album ‘synesthesia’ which will be available for download at the end of April through all major sites. Over the past year we have attracted the attention of several record labels and have acheived some great things including being crowned champions of the st helier rock music crown 2010 as the best unsigned band in the Uk and Ireland. They believe that the music scene is goin backwards in the uk and strive to resurrect the sound of the 90s whilst applying a modern day twist to capture the finer moments and the glory days that once stood!

Not really hearing that modern day twist.

I’f You care to listen to demos from the forthcoming album you can do so using the following link; I have also sent a link for the official facebook page should you wish to keep up to date with the progress and updates. Thanks alot for your time and please feel free to share the music if you wish!

Will do.
Cheers.

www.reverbnation.com/messiahedinburgh

The Only Way Is Essex is returning to our screens next month and [The Booking Agency] are delighted to remind you that a number of stars of the show are available for live bookings.

The ITV2 show surpassed all expectations last year and became a huge success, being watched by an average of 1.5 million viewers each week.

One of the main stars of the show has been Sam Faiers, who brought her glamour to the screen and has gone on to grace the covers of numerous gossip magazines in recent months.

Sam’s good friend on the show is Harry Derbidge, whose catchphrase ‘Shut Up’ has turned him into a national icon.

Harry epitomises everything that is glam and fab about Essex.

Shut up.

We’re a 3 piece rock band from N/w kent-S-e London and have been struggling to find cool live music venues in kent and London untill now. I’ve attached a rough old demo so you can check us out, however please listen beyond the first 10-12 seconds of silence as the track WILL actually start I promise.

Ah, see, now that’s where you’ve been going wrong.

We are an enthusiastic band and willing to travel, we are currently studying popular music at Leeds University therefore a date in June/ July would be preferable but it wouldn’t be the first time we skipped Uni for a gig if not possible :) haha.

Shut Up, Bands frowns at your lack of uni education. ಠ_ಠ

And finally, one request in full…

hi wondered how i went bout performing at ur venue
[with link to his myspace page]

Well… at least it’s short.

we’re POISON IVY BAND an italian famous band…

They have 322 friends on Facebook. It’s amazing what it means to be ‘famous’ these days.

… which can play different kind of repertory from electric to acoustic one, we’re able to play international pop/rock acoustic and electric repertory.

We can also suggest a double solution for a show: acoustic fancy sophisticated show and a band(3 players)with inedited songs.

Oooh, the acoustic fancy sophisticated show, please!

We do the full Beatles experience.. we have all the right guitars, amps and costumes and even do the Beatles wit.. we always get the audiences dancing and singing along. Also we have much more energy on stage then many other Beatles tribute bands (we’re in our thirties so are younger then most)

… Nah.

I’d like to introduce myself and my music proposal.
I have two albums with my own stuff, influenced by Bruce Springsteen, so I’ve just released my third album, It’a a tribute to Bruce Springsteen

Figures.

The gig pays £125, Stevenage, Herts.

Hello mate,

I’m assuming that Trojan isn’t your real name, unless you’re that bloke from Gladiators who’s fallen on hard times. LOL.

Anyhoo Troje, I know we haven’t met yet. But I saw your post on chortle and wanted to let you know that I have heard good things about your clubs and would be happy to be the headliner for you on the 16th December, although I will be doubling up if that’s okay?

I’ve been doing comedy for just over a year and in that time I’ve stacked up 577 gigs. I’ve always done well and a lot of people tell me that I’m a natural. I have references from some of the best acts on the U.K. and international circuit. I was robbed during the Laughing Horse competition. That’ll teach me to go to Hackney. LOL. I supported some names on tour as well after only my fifth gig and I can tailor my material to suit any audience, from after dinner speaking with posh people to Chavs who attend football clubs. I can speak a bit slower if it makes it easier for them. I don’t usually come out for less than 130, but you can buy me a pint if you like and a whisky chaser to make up the difference. I won’t be driving. I assume that you will provide transport for me.

Does the Fee include accommodation? I’m coming from London.

I’m in between agents at the moment (And not in a good way) LOL. So it’s best to contact me directly on this email. My website is working at the moment and the guy at comedy CV refused to put the quote from Ricky Gervais that said, “Thank God I’ve never had to be on the bill with Dave. He’s a genius.” So I asked him to remove it from his site.

If you need to know anything else then please let me know.

I am very much in demand at themoment. I gig for nearly everyone and would love to play with you at your club/s. Just ask if you need to know anything else.

Thanks for reading this.

He follows it up.

I’ll admit that I don’t have a quote from THE Ricky Gervais. The truth is that I used to work with a bloke called Richard Jarvis. He didn’t call me a genius, but poetic license and all that. His actual words were, “massive penis” which I might use in my publicity if I have to do a ladies night again.

Via Chortle

The Imperial Hotel in Blackpool have emailled again to remind us about their up-coming event. Phew, I’m so glad, as I had forgotten to book the coach party up there. I will get that sorted now!!!

Here are the treats lined up.

Nina and the Bottle Rockets (party band)
Glee Tribute
Shirley Bassey Tribute
Groovestar (party band)
Robbie Williams Tribute
Funk Monkeys (Party Band)
Soul Town (Motown duo)
The Floorshakers (Party Band)
80′s Sensation (80′s Tribute Band)
Disturbia (4 Tributes in one show!)
Boomin (Indie Rock Band)
Man in the Mirror (Tribute Band)
Take Fat (Comedy Tribute)
Now That’s 80′s (80′s tribute Band)
Stilt-Walkers and Peripheral Entertainment
Compere – Simon Robertson

I think my favourite is the slightly misplaced ‘indie rock band’.

Hey I have This Artist She A female Singer She has A Great Fan Base And I was wondering if she could headline at your venue all Promoting would be done by management Please do get back to me.

No further details provided. Don’t all rush at once, promoters.

As a resident of NW1, Shut Up Bands would like to distance itself from this horseshit album and following press release about “The Sound Of Camden” CD. Any tourist found purchasing a copy will also receive a swift punch in the back of the head, and general mocking.

Mutya Buena is the main voice in this album that covers songs of U2, The Pixies or The Rolling Stones and mix them with the distinctive “sound of Camden”.

Tracklist

1. Anybody Seen My Baby (Rolling Stones)
2. Come As You Are (Nirvana)
3. Come Back And Stay (J. Lee/Paul Young)
4. Creep (Radiohead)
5. Sunday Bloody Sunday (U2)
6. Like A Stone (Audioslave)
7. Shine On (House of Love)
8. Hey (Pixies)
9. Zombie (Cranberries)
10. I Run (Flock of Seagulls)
11. Ancient Melody (Roy Sela)

“I am connected to the market and now I am singing songs that my mother loves as well, it’s amazing !” – Mutya Buena

Famous for its vibrancy, its cultural diversity and for its music, Stables Market is unique amongst its peers. Steeped in history and individuality, totally cosmopolitan and eclectic, there is now an album series that captures the Sound of Camden and the vibe therein perfectly.

Owner Bebo Kobo and entrepreneur Itay Sachish have joined forces with music producer Roy Sela to deliver a series of albums that captivate the unique magical vibe that is Stables Market. The albums cover the electronic, classic and revolutionary sounds of bands such as U2, The Pixies, The Rolling Stones and more, tracks that are synonymous with the Sound of Camden.

Featuring Mutya Buena’s amazing vocals on six tracks, the Sound of Camden is a must have for anyone who has ever been to Camden town and its world famous markets.

With over 2800 stalls all selling the ‘Sound of Camden’, this makes Stables Market the world’s largest record store for the album and the series.

Anyone who has known, loved or visited Camden will love the ‘Sound of Camden’ – the definitive musical guide to the capitals most vibrant location.

What a big load of donkey’s cock.

Someone mysteriously only known as JTM writes:

I like bands to keep things short and punchy when they write to me, but when you get e-mails, daily, from a band with only the following illuminating content, you begin to despair:

—
Subject: stiltwakers

Join Us Join Us become a fan.

http://www.reverbnation.com/stiltwalkers
—-

After the 7th daily e-mail, out of morbid curiosity, I had a listen to their music. If you like bad Nine Inch Nails rip-offs, with vocals that sound like Glenn Danzig being impersonated by Vic Reeves, you’re sure to love Stiltwalkers. Straight to blacklist.