Shut Up, Bands

Since early 2007, [The band] have been on a mission to play their way out of the Indie-pop infested Sheffield music scene and onto the national stage. They have managed that in abundance so far, although how far they get depends on their mode of transport. Destroying 2 vans in the last 12 months on the way to packed gigs at The Cavern in Liverpool and The Hideout in Paris, they continue to bring their own fused together blues rock riffs both country-wide and continent-wide. The gigs are like a party at a mates house, banter and a ‘wall of sound’ included, all turned up to level 10! Now busy shouting their mouths off around the country again after securing a debut single release in March and comparisons to Black Rebel Motorcycle club and The White Stripes, it’s gonna be a busy year. Building up loyal followings in Sheffield, Newcastle, London, Leeds and Paris it’s about time people started paying attention to this guitar fuelled, van bashing machine…

I think my favourite is the quote.

‘The band all the others want to be’ – Joe Amphlett, LBC Radio

Really, Joe Amphlett? REALLY?

We’re No Heroes are exactly that, three ordinary guys from around the UK who came together to become extraordinary, with the thing that makes them stick out…their music. Like an improvised dance or the way the rain drops fall simultaneously, it was just going to happen. Music is all they do and all they want to do.

Want us to play personally at your house party?

More yuck.

Headed by guitarist “Big Bad Bad”,
Drums and backing vocals supplied by Micheal Smith, formerly of Rune.
Bass and respectability; Rob Reid.
Slow Hands In The Badlands started with the intention of working with a rock formula that hadn’t been developed since bands like Queens of the Stone age reinvented the term “guitar band”, and Slow Hands have fused influences from the 70’s hard rock era with this mentality to bring a new, downtuned, epic sound to an indie-stagnant music scene.
Guitarist and singer Big Bad Bad has side projects including an acoustic career and the occaisional stint as a session musician, and has ensured that a raw and edgey taste is ripe within Slow Hands’ sound. He also introduced Rob to the joys of bass playing, and quickly snapped him up as an original member. Michael Smith enjoyed a healthy industrial career in the band “Rune”, who were frequently marked as the best emerging band of their genre. Bad tends to sheepishly admit he might have “killed them” by poaching Smith, who generally leaves a crowd open mouthed, and somewhat jelous when he gets behind the kit.
Slow Hands have been gigging professionally for almost 10 months, beginning shortly after Micheal’s recruitment. Loudness and groove are the hallmarks of a quality gig, and SHBL never leave a moment’s silence that could otherwise be filled by a downtuned powerchord. Impressed and kindly fans have this to say:

“Slow Hands In The Badlands use the rock formula devel- oped by bands such as Queens of the Stone Age and infuse influences from the 70’s hard rock era, resulting in downtuned, epic sounding, speaker-bursting rock joy. ” – Brian of Fudge Promotions
“the best rock band in Scotland?” – Acoustic musician Malcolm McMillan.
“you bastards stole the best drummer I know” – Alisdair Quietsch of Rune”

Our submitter writes: “This is an awful band from Glasgow, with a hilariously arrogant bio. Funniest bit is the compliments at the end, the second one is from the singers dad and the third one is from one of their friends.”

The best way to describe [some guy from the band] is like The Stig from “Top Gear”. Elusive, secretive, seen only in disguise and he could steal the sweeties from your pocket without you even noticing…….. But boy can he Write and produce a great tune!

I think these guys have misunderstood what The Stig does.

A five-piece modern Metal/Emo band from Glasgow. Zynk formed in 2003, they developed into a band with shining confidence and attitude which can be seen on and off stage. Zynk constantly perform to a loyal fan base all over the UK. Showing that the music and the fans are what it’s really all about.
Being very tight for a young band and having a lot of potential. The bands consistency to own the stage they play on makes every performance worthwhile and a pleasure to see and hear.

Involved in Europes biggest unsigned festival and recognised as one of Scotlands leading unsigned band, The guys continue to improve their sound every show they perform. With Influences such as Story of the Year, Funeral For a Friend, and Bullet For My Valentine its no wonder they they have been noticed as one of Glasgow’s best bands.

Zynk have received great reviews on several occasions as they have coasted there way throughout the west of Scotland, playing in some of the biggest venues most notabley the Cathouse, London’s Camden Underworld and Glasgow’s Carling Academy .

But in early 2007 due to the departure of Craig Maclean from the band, the band slowly fell apart. But the band all stil remain friends and are all still commited to writing music in some other form (except Jordan…he just gave up!). [Amazing - Ed.]

What People are saying

“Undoubtedly, Zynk will go down a treat with the Teenagers who love Slipknot and Linkin Park” – David Wynne, EK news

“Lots of confidence and attitude. Very tight for a young band. Lots of potential. Could be the real deal. Looked like a proper band unit.” —- Judge from Emergenza competition Carling Academy.

“Very powerful! A band to watch and listen to, time and time again!” — John Keeble, former drummer of Spandau Ballet [amazing - Ed.]

“Zynk possess a very tight sound: powerful, explosive and varied. Skill and finesse shown through-out which renders great potential. Mix of styles emphasises flexibility and portrays various influences.” – Requiem Records

BOWLING FOR SOUP SET TO RELEASE THEIR TENTH STUDIO RELEASE

TENTH?!

The Denton, TX natives return with their new single and video ‘My Wena’ that showcases their one-of-a-kind brand of fun-pop/punk… The single ‘My Wena’ is a hilarious love song that only Bowling For Soup could pull off. With their trademark style of tongue in cheek lyrics, ‘My Wena’ is filled with double entendre references about the singer’s girlfriend, Wena. The video is equally hilarious…

The UK tour is called Party In Your Pants. ‘Hilarious.’

What happens when you put Sheffield’s shredtastic answer to Eddie Van Halen, a frontman that oozes machismo and proletariat street cool in a way that makes Liam Gallagher look like a public school educated effeminate fanny in comparison and a rhythm section that’s tighter than your mother was when I took her virginity all those years ago? I’ll tell you what happens, it’s called Shot Dead and it’s even better than receiving fellatio from the beautifully pert lips and wet mouth of Angelina Jolie.

With their onstage nonchalant Nihilism and a steadfast sense of self- confidence so strong it’d be all too easy to dismiss these guys as aloof and aggressive, you may even fear that you’d “just get a slap” from them if you were brave enough to attend one of their frenetic live shows. Indeed, such apprehension wouldn’t be *completely* misplaced… they could knock seven shades of shit out of you if they felt so inclined. These kids don’t fuck about. However in spite of this unnerving fact they are the antithesis generally speaking; quintessential English gentlemen, you’d struggle to meet four more grounded, humble and affable young men. Take it from me; it’s a genuine pleasure spending time in their company.

I implore everyone who reads this to attend their gigs and see for yourselves how raw and incandescent they are live. There’s a distinct and natural synergy when they play that bands 20 plus years their senior can’t hold a candle to. Fuck the monotonous and insincere mediocrity of the likes of Glasvegas, the Courteeners and Kasabian. Shot Dead represent the zeitgeist of UK lad culture better than they ever could.

Just what we need.

Our submitter writes: “Thought I’d share a pretentious biography we were sent. It’s such bollocks you wouldn’t believe.” And they’re not bloody wrong, you know.

Our modus operandi is to be at the forefront of the ever evolving ‘nu-sound’, la. Unable to be TopShop’d due to an undefineable energy, whilst remaining recognisable and distinct. A musical group personification of ‘BROAD-BAND’, oh yes – an electrical musical collective creating sounds that encompass a range of popular pigeon holes, enjoyed by a myriad of ecclectic allsorts.

“We are waiting for you at the turning.”
- – - R E B E L S – - W I T H – - A – - C A U S E – - -

Conceived in the eccentricity of Canterbury, England, BODYMACHINE! create energetic, inspirational, indie pop-art-noise for the evolving ’2012 generation’ of the 21stC, hmm. On the upwards strand of the double-helix of pop, they’re set to playfully rape your ear-machines. Early gigs include supporting the likes of GOOD SHOES, Fear Of Flying (White Lies), Rumble Strips, Ladyfuzz & Noisettes. In 2007 they opened the main stage at Lounge On The Farm festival alongside bands including The BEES & SUPER FURRY ANIMALS. The year also enjoyed watching them support The Moths and PUMPS at OSMC, and especially supporting The Bishops at the Poulpaphone festival in Boulogne, Francais.

OUR CAUSE IS NOT POLITICAL
‘POLITICS NEEDS YOUR MIND’
OUR CAUSE IS NOT CULTURAL
‘CULTURE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND’
OUR CAUSE IS VIBRATION
‘SOUND CREATION & REVERBERATION’

Being 2 school 4 cool 7 you’re set to hear resurrected sounds with a twist as the stylophone is rinsed out, rising to musical fame once more, alongside driving drum rhythms and catchy riffs. Sign-wave vocals on the edge of sanity, like a melodic laser into your mind, are mixed into genreless sounds from odd misfits.

“Once you label me, you negate me.”

In 2008, promoting their sold out 2nd EP ‘we say body you say machine’ the machine men fulfilled their tour spanning of England – “CONSCIOUSNESS & CALENDARS”. Playing with bands such as Sunset Cinema Club, The Shallow Call and Post War Years, they solidified their changed formation and word spread about their powerful live performances. They consequently went into the white cliffs of Dover to plot new songs, which were played whilst opening BBC Radio 1′s Fringe Festival in Maidstone.

As their musical vision morphs solidly these four cyber-spirit-sapiens are a ‘must see’ for those who like to say “I was there”, indeed. Conspiring around conspiracy theories, feeding on large helpings of dark comedy and filled with existential angst, they lovingly infiltrate fear and ignorance in the only way they know how – by creating pop songs… effective…

As 2009 has a mid life crisis BM! are honing in on the zeitgeist and promoting the symbiotic/emergent features key to our species-machine. Catch the science of the BODY and the ghost in the MACHINE now!

“We have a world of pleasure to win, and nothing to lose but boredom.”

We would appreciate it if you would entertain having the band on stage at your venue.

The band have played numerous festivals over the past few years, including being invited to play the Deptford Festival, London, and the prestigious ‘Caerphilly Big Cheese’

This year, the band was due to appear at the ‘Castle Rock Festival’, Caldicot, which included such acts as Terrovision, Gun and It Bites. Unfortunately, this event was postponed. (LOL – ed.)

May 2009 has seen the long-awaited release of the band’s first album… The album is currently receiving massive airplay in the UK , USA , Europe, Canada and Australia, and the band is in constant demand for interviews.

I doubt that.

White noise, black soul and riotous, timeless pink pop perfection. Your first love. Your last breath. Your head or heart on a stick. Like when sex is so great it makes you want to come again. Then die.

!!!

Now a three piece funk/rock outfitt, [the band] cite influences from The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bob Marley, Led Zeppelin, and Reef. With kick ass riffs, funky bass lines, driving drums and frequent percussive support [the band] are gauranteed to offer you one funky mother fucking night!

GOOD GRIEF!

Demo received 9th October 2007. Band split May 2009.

Possessed by the combined spirits of Oscar Wilde and Phil Lynott, [the singer] was the final piece of the puzzle, and from the off it was clear the band were all on the same wavelength, with the early studio sessions producing stunning re-workings of some of the band’s existing material as well as a clutch of breathtaking new songs.

[The band] have emerged from the wreckage of last year leaner, meaner and ready to take on all comers for the undisputed title of ‘Best live act in Britain’.

And that, as they say, was the end of that.

Crivens! This one is on the defensive. Almost threatening!

**** were formed back in mid December 2005 by **** after a phone call from drummer, **** accepting the offer of joining the band after taking interest from a cd of material used in previous bands. To follow were successful jams and rehersals leading to a completed line up. **** were formed. **** on bass was already part of the journey he and **** had previously shared in other bands, they were all well gigged and prepped with an impressive back catalogue of original material.

THANKS FOR LETTING US KNOW ALL THAT.

The band are just everyday lads from Manchester who get together and play music cos it gives them a buzz, no messin about, plug in and play, for the sheer love of playing music. What you see is what you get with ****, if you dont like what they do, it dont matter to them. They play Blues/Rock, like it or lump it. Not caught up in a scene, (they’ve been around to many corners to care about that kinda drivvel), **** every now and again, pop out of the shadows and leave people with their jaws hanging down to their feet. They have a chemistry not to be matched and an energy of no other. **** toured NYC twice in 2007 and have played around the whole of the U.K since forming. Constantly writing, rehearsing and gigging this is a band that will be around for a long time and will always be taking their talents to new levels. They will never stop!!

A beautiful biog from the Midlands.

hi there

we came across your page and we are interested in the shows you put on we were wondering if you would have anything you could offer us for october/november onwards

we would love to play a show, preferably a surport slot, here is a bit about us… anything you could offer us would be apreciated,

We are a Four piece Pop-Punk band, blending melodic vocals addictive melodies guitar riffs, hard hitting bass and dream like synths….not forgetting a drum solo or two in between

DRUM SOLOS.

the band is made up from 3 sucessful bands, Vigilante,

Who?

Lost ‘n’ Found

Who?

and Seth Row

Who?

and we have played with the likes of Pickled Dick/Mike Tv, Fandangle, MyBe, the Misnomer(Usa), All Left Out (New Zealand)

Who, who, who, who and who?

plus many many more and we have played all over the midlands in those bands

“Call This a Comeback are a fresh breath of air in the UK scene! I especially enjoyed “Mend My Heart.” Great Bowling for Soup-esque riff!
These guys are on to great things.” – MC Lars

BOWLING FOR SOUP.

“reminds me of the glory days of pop/punk blink 182 style, keep up the good work guys” – matt wheatus

MATT WHEATUS.

One of the least enticing biogs I’ve ever laid eyes on. The demo was shit too. :-(

This was accompanied by a less-than-subtle and quite hideously airbrushed photo which came with a ‘(c) Photographs by Zoo’ watermark.

I felt visually raped.

Flyin’ Bird Entertainment Present Exclusively….

KERRY KATONA

OFFICIAL CLUB TOUR | WITH FABULOUS PARTIES

The UK’s biggest celeb

Sorry… what?

has put together her own unique club tour…

She’s put it together herself? So why have we been sent this wonderful offer from her AGENT?

Expect the most explosive star in MTV history to lock out your venue with the mention of her name!

Kerry is set to rock venues across the UK and Europe on this exclusive tour.

This is the FIRST time a star of this calibre has embarked on an event like this…

I’m intrigued – do carry on.

Each venue will have:
Branding for flyers provided

Holy shit that’s amazing.

Kerry Katona Live PA/Hosting the event (Either/Or)
Kerry’s Favourite DJ Kay performing a 60 minute set
Meet and Greet with Kerry and pictures
CD Giveaways
Some dates will also be filmed for future transmission
Pictures from the event syndicated to magazines/newspapers across the UK

**KERRY IS WITHOUT A DOUBT THE MOST WROTE ABOUT CELEBRITY, COVERED IN EVERY PAPER AND MAGAZINE ACROSS THE UK NEARLY EVERY WEEK WITHOUT FAIL! PUBLIC INTEREST IS NEVER FAR AWAY FROM THIS ENIGMA!**

Once this tour is full no further dates will be added, this is on a first come first serve basis

CONTACT **** for fee’s and availability, this won’t be around long so book NOW!

What a cunt.

****’s first release, ****, was a collection of infectious tunes that introduced the group to the eclectic South Florida music scene. Their catchy melodies and foreign sound began turning heads of avid music fans who clamored for something different than the local music scene had to offer…songs.

What dya say about THAT, South Florida scene? Huh? Huh?

Sent sometime in 2008…

Hi!

we are an Alternative rock band called ****.

We have already achieved alot ourselves but feel that with the right help and direction we could really take it to the next level…that where you come in!

A little bit of info on us:

We are a three piece from Bournemouth-south of England and have been described as ‘Epic,alternative experimental rock that is as catchy as it is brooding’,we have been around for a couple of years and already have a strong following in our hometown.

We have literally gigged our arses off playing in places like Southampton,London,Brighton,Bristol,Birmingham,Sheffield and Wales to name a few.

In 2006 we won the county over 18s battle of the bands,then in 2007 we won the Rock Poole battle of the bands,headlined the soundstorm stage at the Sound Festival,played at a packed out Bournemouth Firestation (very large prestigous venue lol),met Zane Lowe and gave him a CD,oh and lets not forget magically making a bass fly through the air! (footage of which is on our youtube channel)

We plan on making 2008 even better though!

We arent gonna stop until we are signed and playing in front of thousands (and we still wont stop there).

There is much to enjoy here including the dreaded “next level” – expect that a lot. Sigh.
They’ve won not one but TWO Battle Of The Bands competitions. “ROCK POOLE”, though, I GET IT. THAT’S FUNNY.
They gave a CD to Zane Lowe???! Holy batshit, that’s utterly ground-breaking.
“Brooding”? Shut up, journalists.
… and so on.

They’re the sort of band you’d imagine playing competent rock and posing for photos in empty car parks.
*checks out the website*
Ah.

This was sent to us with those words. It certainly crosses the being-wacky-for-the-sake-of-it line.

The world’s best Fantasy/Bi-sexual Hipster Rock Band return with their new record Nightmares in the key of (((((WOW))))). The album is the band’s fifth long player and was recorded with Burke Reid (The Drones, Jack Ladder, Mess Hall, Gerling) at Big Jesus Burger Studios in Sydney.

There will be a series of exclusive launch shows to celebrate.

Commencing with a caterwauling cacophony of doom, the album delves deep into the band’s wide-eyed wonder of relationships. Candid and disturbing revelations set against a diverse backdrop, Nightmares at times re-visits the guitar thuggery of previous albums Chubby and Bish Bosh II: The Bosh Bosh. At other times the band strips away just a little of the sludge to reveal beautiful yet strange pop melodies, and weird, unsettling lyrical observations. For this is an album made by MEN about other MEN and WOMEN and CHILDREN.

The album also introduces to the world the band’s newest member (and 27th drummer), Matthew Blackman (Charge Group, Purplene, Palace of Fire), and features synthesizer and jazz-saxophone performances by Chris Ross (Palace of Fire, ex-Wolfmother).

Tucker B’s are celebrating their fifteenth year together (sheesh!), and now find themselves at the peak of their fantasy rock powers. Nightmares in the key of (((((WOW))))) wraps the band’s warped vision in pristine production and allows the strangeness to shine.

I think I’d rather sit down with a nice cup of tea and watch ‘Celebrity Masterchef’ instead.

Old skool rock with a somewhat wide-ranging ‘key’ demographic. Their email says they’ve been together for 10 years yet the biog says they’ve been together since 2002. Either someone is a naughty fibber or just terrible at sums. Tut tut.

**** formed in the spring of 2002 with one undivided goal, to bring the roots of old school rock into the modern day, without compromising their sound. With all members involved having different musical influences ranging from Coheed and Cambria, Reuben, Iron Maiden, The Who and The Jam amongst many others, the music they have created is a standard apart from a lot of the rock bands out there. The combination of the deep growl of the bass, the soaring melodies and rugged tones emanating from the guitar, the thundering drums and harmonious vocals culminate to create something that’s equally enjoyable to listen to as it is to ‘rock out’ to…. Their music speaks to a very wide audience with their Key demographic audience being males and females ranging between the age of 13 all the way to 60+. This has given them greater scope for performances as they are able to play in a number of different settings and venues. **** believe that the commercial rock music of today has become somewhat indefinable. They want to change all that by bringing in their old school rock influences towards the upbeat feel of modern day rock music.

This is from a few months ago and is worth a mention. We’re naming the protagonist. Does she know she’s being touted in this way?

The amazing Florence and the Machine will be playing a special headline show at London’s Bloomsbury Ballroom.

Florence is a twenty one year-old art college drop-out from Camberwell, South London, a long pretty pale girl who makes up songs and sings them. The Machine is whoever’s standing nearby playing an instrument at the time. It’s a bit harder to define, the machine part. It’s just not exactly a person. It’s a sort of a machine. She’s been singing since pretty much forever. She was in the school choir, a few dodgy bands, had vocal lessons and such. She has all the necessary paperwork if you want to see it.

If you see her sing live you’ll forget paperwork and forget your name and maybe forget to breathe for a little while. Florence has a voice hewn from the rock and stamped in the gravel and shot out of a cannon into the middle of your chest. It cuts right into you and thrums. She also has almost as much stage presence as Hitler. She’s like a funny sexy popstar Hitler without the despotism and with more beautiful songs and the utmost love and respect for Jews and gays and gypsies.

There’s really nothing to add to that other than the writer in question deserving a swift punch in the stomach.