Shut Up, Bands

A missive from Burning Motherfuckers.

Press Release

The conflagrant two-piece whose bravely elected pseudonym mirrors clenched fists and plans of mutiny, brings ether to preconceived anarchic torches. At the golden age of punks monogamous pureness these hippies would most likely be outcasts, but age is surely ripe for the psychedelic crossbreed of raving sonic tantrums and inner space explorations. If not, we who already embrace it will think highly of ourselves and pat our backs for knowingly and willingly hiking with the missile to a future psychpunk epicenter.

“Terrible band name” – son of Bjørn Eidsvåg

This is from… a band?

it is certainly not a matter of overconfidence or arrogance to look at the works of Charles Darwin and Bill Gates and find your own close to both, in a way.
To be honest, it does take guts and, perhaps, a little eccentricity – which are main characteristic attributes to novelty, no matter where it applies. Newton’s biographers may confirm this.

They describe themselves as “avant-garde”. Obviously.

YES. TIME FOR SOME METALZ. \m/

An extract.

Based out of Southampton in Hampshire (south coast of England), SUMMERS has hit the music scene worldwide with a vengeance!

This is a talented group of singers and musicians who devote time to vocal harmony, evoking memories of classic rock bands like Bon Jovi and the Eagles. The skin-tight, twin-guitar riffs of Hickling and Sepala may take you back to Thin Lizzy days.

Safe to say that SUMMERS – the charismatic new British bad boys of rock are headed for the rock and roll hall of fame! Stay tuned for more!

“You will believe Classic Rock is alive and well, you will sing the songs all the way home, you will get your daughter pregnancy tested in the morning!! SUMMERS debut album could well have as many hit singles as Def Leppard’s Hysteria”. Gary Bushell – Former music critic of Sounds Magazine and now journalist for THE PEOPLE newspaper.

How’s that going?

With the document ominously titled ‘Regional Release’, it makes one wonder what kind of press release the national press got instead.

We have taken the liberty to embolden some of it for our own amusement.

Wake the President announce Album & UK Tour Details

WTP are set to return with a remarkable second album, Zumutung!, on 31 October. Recorded at Glasgow’s celebrated Chem 19 studios and produced by Paul Savage (Franz Ferdinand, King Creosote, The Phantom Band), Zumutung! is darker, more experimental and more anthemic than its predecessor but, as ever with WTP, the brooding poetic undertow is countered by ebullient tunes.

The Sandberg twins remain based in Glasgow, but travel and displacement had a bearing on the Zumutung! aesthetic. ‘When I wrote the album I was splitting my time between Glasgow and London,’ muses Erik of its genesis. ‘The Mega-Bus provided plenty of time for catching up on the Zola or Camus novels that I’d amassed, and I actually wrote [lambent post-punk aria] ‘In Youth, There is Pleasure’ and [alt-rock romantic exodus] ‘This is New’ in a poxy bed-sit in Hackney.’

On writing the single, Erik muses thus: ‘I remember reading Kierkegaard at the time. I was in a terrible state. I took an idea from him regarding repetition (Repetition and Other Philosophical Crumbs) and ran with it. I like having my own imaginary conversations with writers about their ideas. It amuses me – especially if they’re dead…’

Bjorn identifies internal wrangles as another source of inspiration on Zumutung!. ‘Without using a cliche, it was a pretty dark time for both of us personally, for various reasons, when we were making the album,’ he reflects. ‘Tensions were high between us as brothers and friends – Paul Savage sent me home one afternoon! But I think that prickly tension and energy comes across on the album, and it’s something which I like about it,’ he says.

While Zumutung! is entrenched in literature, counter-culture and philosophy – and while its themes of love, loss, obsession and hope are as universal as its melodies – Zumutung! is musically and lyrically signposted by WTP’s home city. ‘I cycle through Glasgow’s Clyde Tunnel every day’ says Erik, a tireless seeker of new ideas and inspiration. ‘It’s a great place for stealing lyrics from the graffiti…’

This appreciation for counter-culture is at the heart of Wake the President’s charms. It’s in their association with Glasgow DIY uprising We Can Still Picnic, and their self-run imprint, Say Dirty Records. It’s in their love of Postcard, heavy vinyl, pamphleteering and graffiti. It’s in their visionary, vintage indie-pop that’s fighting fit for our dancing feet, and our curious minds, and our fragile hearts.

*slow clap*

“I’ve seen this band twice,” says our submitter, “they’re actually pretty good and a decent bunch of guys.”

Oh.

Give us the biog then.

Films Of Colour produce swooning, layered indie, and describe themselves as: The light to the shades. The dark to the brightness. It was through a chance meeting that led to the final blend. An eclectic blur to begin. No more the differences impede, but lend a hand. A hand if you ever needed a new palette to draw from. Your heavy red, subtle blues. They are your understated epic. They are your electronic flourish. They will hold you close and then let you go. Delicate and floating films of colour.

Do you see? They’re called Films of Colour, so they’re talking about COLOURS. FANTASTIC.

Just cut to the chase and tell us what you sound like.

For the poetically challenged; Boy Kill Boy arguing with Bloc Party on a sodden, windy British beach, over their favourite Coldplay track.

Waheyyyyyyy!

I feel dirty for featuring what is obviously a ‘joke band’ but it’s my blog, so I’ll do what I damn well want.

Dudezilla was created from the charred remains of Space Noobzilla combined with the semen of Gayzilla.
Dudezilla are fronted by Bovice on guitar, vocals. Backing Bovice with Drums and sex appeal is The Steve Goddard Experience, infamous noob Destroyer.

Dudezilla is available for weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs, school discos and childrens parties.

“It’s Like The White Stripes, with heroin to the face…”
- Jamie Howes, Easter Island, 2009

“Dudezilla is like making out with your fitty cousin. Your brain says no but your genitals say yes!”
- Izzy James, No Parents Zine, 2009

A biography. A blurb. The thing often used to sell your band to the uninitiated via the medium of Time Out et al. Like… this?

Walk in line, in circles . . . the line is an object with a single presence. It can only occupy one fixed space at a given time . . . but that space can stretch anywhere that there is a single dimension. If you follow a line it will lead you somewhere. If you retrace the line back you will return to where you began. This is absolute. A single line can create a picture or a thousand words . . .

Hmm. If it’s OK with you, I’ll just put you down on our listings as “indie/rock”.

BAND: The Way Of Purity
LOCATION: Unknown
RELEASE: “Crosscore”
CATALOG NR: WHD005
FORMAT: FULL LENGTH CD
LINEUP: Tiril Skardal (Vocals), xDEATHWISHx (Guitar), xWITHOUT NAMEx (Guitar & Vocals), xJeffreyx (bass), xLOST MY FAITHx (Keyboards & Vocals), xWALL OF DEATHx (drums)
STYLE: Post-Hardcore

TRACKLIST:
1. 23rd Circle breeds pestilence
2. Lycanthropy
3. Anchored to suffocation
4. The rise of Noah
5. Loyal breakdown of souls
6. Sinner
7. Egoist
8. Deathwish
9. Burst
10. Pure

ABOUT THE BAND:
The Way Of Purity toured the whole Europe (55 gigs) with Negura Bunget and during December toured with Gorgoroth and Belphegor in Germany and Austria.
Interviews on Nordic Vision, Norway Rock, Kerrang! In Spain, Close Up, Sweden Rock, Metal Hammer in Germany, Legacy, Eat in Japan and many more confirmed the high interest around this project. For the first time members of the Animal Liberation Front created a music project to fight for animal liberation worldwide.
Mixed by: Christian Donaldson (Cryptopsy, The Agonist), Master at Finnvox studios in Finland, Artwork by Machine Room (My Dying Bride). The album contains Enhanced Contents: A film directed by Susi Medvsa Gottardi (Private / Showtime Films) that is an “horror” movie based on the true story of the band. The film is shooted in High Definition and has main actress Len Cova (Private star).

BIOGRAPHY:
The Way Of Purity doesn’t show off with smart or cool band members. No names, no fancy photos, no effigy, no trendy musical influences and no nationality. No compromise, no way to talk or get to know us – we are the fucking NOTHING.
We are just a real and concrete message.
Most militant bands in the past reached a superior level of strength through their message and faith. The Way Of Purity is different. The message about God intended as nature (animals and the perfection of their creation) is our faith, but the power for The Way Of Purity is a high level of inspiration, self control, and correction of human errors through the inspiration of animal perfection.
We are the hand of God, we’re here to bring the animals’ message to liars, weak individuals, prostitutes, drug addicts, nymphomaniacs and many more. We are not an organisation, we are just a potential event in every animal’s life. The Way Of Purity is inspired by a blind and extremely dark dimension where Christ and Satan, evil and good, are the same. The ultraviolent dimension takes shape in the music. The voices we hear everyday are our nightmares and dreams. These voices asked us to change things, giving us the chance of salvation by becoming the hand of God and finding the real way of purity. Welcome to the precarious balance and the ancient code of the Way Of Purity, that might hold the key to salvation…

We’ve emboldened just a small selection of this to help you.

Sprungloaded an innovative Alternative Soft Rock band goes beyond the boundaries of constructive original ideas. Hard hitting Lyrics, pop melodies and vibrant harmonies this is just an underline of their well written and created songs, with material influenced by acts such as Keane, Temper Trap, The Muse, The Script to name a few. These young talented lads are bringing something new to the music market.

What do you reckon, readers?

Dubbed by the NME as “The Ordinary Boys Gargling Glass” or “The Jam if they’d read the Razzle instead of books on politics”, Underground Heroes are currently the most talked about thing to come out of Chatham in Kent since the word ‘Chav’.
Influenced by their heroes The Specials, The Jam and The Clash, they describe their sound as ‘Chav Punk’. The sound of booze-sodden, crap fag smoking, concrete Britain. Lyrically they are inspired by the day to day life they know – the fights, night life, friends, birds – and the identikit town they live in.

Wow, we’re fucking THERE.

Blerg!

Verona Kings are a Banbury based three piece band and their sound is acoustic indie rock on electric. No frills, what you see is definitely what you get. They know who they are and what they want, playing the sort of music you want to hear and delivering it with conviction and passion.

They are original in their rawness, aggression, lyrics and melody. Dark but dreamy, raw but real, honest and heartfelt – Verona Kings will be the new face of Brit Rock. They are making music in a way that needs to be done again and doing something that is missing in the music industry right now. In a time of faceless pop, it’s refreshing to hear a band that is so unique, complex and different from anything else around. Their songs fly in the face of disposable pop culture and their sound is a celebration; a toast to everything we ever believed rock and roll ever could be.

These three young hungry lads are so spirited and so passionate about what they believe in, you cannot help but be drawn to them. You cannot help but fall for their gritty, working class, honest, straight talking, no messing charm. It has been a tale of passion and perseverance but these boys will become proof that it pays off to keep the dream alive and to keep believing. They have recently moved in together so that they can propel Verona Kings to where they want it to be, dreaming of the rags to riches tale of rock and roll along the way. They have unwavering faith in themselves and in their songs and in the dream and so set on getting something they know they want and need and have been working towards for so long. They play and perform like they mean it and draw you in, spellbound and captivated by the melody and the mood. And standing on stage they just look like they’re meant to be there and born to do this.

Live they are breathtakingly vibrant and very very cool. The strength of their live shows is due to their impassioned, energetic performances as you see the sheer audible soul of their songs come to life and realise that it comes from someplace deep. They are truly emphatic. Their music is infectious, their sound soaks to the bone and their songs give off an air of urgency, singing and playing with so much heart you can feel the anxiety in it.

Their sound is instant and compelling; memorable and penetrating. It has the force and the feeling behind it that makes it hypnotic and driving. They have a knack you see for songs that bristle with energy. Epic tunes are flowing from this band as they sculpt songs about triumph and diversity; about having nothing and wanting everything, about being pissed off with the world. They comment on working class reality, dreaming of glory and looking about for their next good kick. Somehow these boys are able to effortlessly document life, providing real songs for real people. These songs are songs for the terraces and will give people something they can recognise and sing along to time and time again.

So this is a band for the people – playing songs that are relevant to us Brits and the working class. They really are marking the well needed return to true Britishness. Take note because their songs will become the definitive sound of our time and will be woven into the tapestry of British culture itself. They really are the true embodiment of what contemporary music should be and really is.

Nice background image on the Myspace page too (find that page yourself, you lazy arse).

We love you, Male Bonding, but this opening paragraph really makes us want to vomit out of every possible orifice.

Emerging from the fertile D.I.Y. rock scene in Dalston, a gentrification-proof London neighborhood with ample “lo-fi” bands and Turkish restaurants, noise-pop trio Male Bonding plays fast.

BLERRRRRRRGH. Even Dalston residents must surely cringe at that.

“This is a biog from a Leeds band that in my opinion just about makes it impossible to write a my space biog and take your self seriously once you have read it. A good education for bands who talk shit!!” says our submitter, on the band who say nothing in 472 words. Quite a feat.

Does anyone ever read these things about bands? Does anyone care? Is it better to remain aloof, distant from anyone who might, by chance, hear the music and let it hit them with no distractions or expectations? Or, does more detail provide a framework of understanding for the songs to be appreciated?

The easiest option (and a favorite of ours) is just to make up some flippant nonsense and hide behind. Walk away. Job done. Except…

Except it is a trap. The modern malaise. The ironic detachment. The smirking age. So we shall try wherever possible to avoid this trap. To be honest and *whispered* emotional. To be contrary and ridiculous.

The next problem is accuracy, what can we actually say about the band. We could say that there are four people in this band. This is factually correct, although it hasn’t always been the case. We could say what instrument people play (if applicable). This is usually accurate, however things can change (for instance, whilst recording songs for future reference). We could tell you the names of the people in the band, except that no on in the band goes by the name on their birth certificate. Would this be valuable? We could give a history of the band, but no-one thought to record any facts on the way, so recollections vary.

So, what can we give you in this section? Not much. Not much that matters anyway. If you have read this for a further insight into a band that has captured your senses (unlikely), then all this section can do is spoil it. Head for the songs instead. If you are looking for a stick to beat us with, then there are lots. (“The singer cannot sing” seems to be an easy observation to make with plenty of scope for passionate criticism). If you found this page in error then quickly go onto a search engine and enter a subject you are interested in, but wish to learn more about. You cannot get the time back that you have wasted on this page, but at least you will spend the next few moments of your life in a more beneficial manner. If you are looking for answers then phrase your questions with care.

So here we go. The Wind-Up Birds is the group that has been formed as a vehicle for the songs written by four people who are not really suited to the task. The tensions between these four people, and the distance between their ideas and their talent, lead to mistakes and anomalies that are, in essence, “The Wind-Up Birds sound”. They try to write the kind of songs they would want to listen to. Songs that you can sing along to and songs that you can care about. This sometimes works.

Thank you for your time.

More pretentious twaddle for your ‘amuse’.

Canterbury’s most turbulent rock n roll band. Probably Canterbury’s only rock n roll band. An unfortunate group of fumbling idiots prone to unaccountable bursts of self-confidence and wholly explainable bouts of self-flagellation. Itinerant, loathsome and loutish cads determined to fuck up or be fucked up. Imitators and thieves of genuine talent. Under-qualified borrowers from the holy pantheon of rock n roll music.

Notably, there is no music on their Myspace page.

From the Northern Ireland local scene, comes this.

Hello. An odd topic, but I don’t care.
My boys and I recently reformed after a brief hiatus
over Christmas and the New Year and we want gigs NOW.

Our band name is [BAND] and we’re a tight as fuck, rocktastic,
beautifully melodic, sexually toxic bag of eye cabdy for the girls (and guys wink)
We had a myspace, but I short-sightedly deleted it due to a break down in communication;
We all thought each other member wanted to go their seperate way, but in reality none of us did.
I can supply MULTIPLE samples, songs and images from previous photoshoots, until I get a new page up and running.

We’re best suited for playing with bands within the range of metal – rock – Alternative (Industrial,Technical,Acoustic,W’eva);
We’re too heavy and original for Indie (lol), but too melodic and faggy for anything extreme.

We’ll play whenever for whatever. We just want to really get gigging again.

See y’all soon!

Our submitter writes: “As if my last mail wasn’t enough, the band edited their post to include the following:”

P.S. If the gig’s local, in the [XXXXXX] area, we can ensure a mass of females. Not joking. Just know in doing so, we expect our cut; We’re Enthusiastic, not Naive!

School bands are pretty obvious targets – YES, I KNOW – but all of them featured here can at least say they’ll never be as bad as Hackley School’s cover of ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’. Yes, it’s an oldie but a goodie.

Niceties out of the way…

To save future embarrassment, band names would normally be removed but quite frankly I’ve been ill for the last fortnight and am in a spectacularly bad mood, so here is today’s missive in full with links. The video is worth watching if you can stomach all 5+ minutes of it. We like the fact they couldn’t be bothered lugging the drum kit to the beach so the drummer has to mime to a non-existent kit.

TR8R are a young Indie/Alternative/Power Pop band based in Chesham, Buckinghamshire, with influences including Paramore, Muse, Lost Prophets, Arctic Monkeys & Blur.

TR8R ARE;

Vicky, 19 yrs, Vocals.
Mikey, 16 yrs, Guitar.
George, 16 yrs, Bass.
Conor, 15 yrs, Drums.

Formed in 2008 TR8R are currently under management with KMD Studios, they are busy writing, rehearsing and performing at every available opportunity, constantly becoming more popular within the local music scene and across the UK. Despite their young age they appeal to a wide age group and attract a good audience wherever they perform. Their fan-base is ever growing and has led to a demand for the sales of merchandise and the release of their first E.P. “Numbers”.

Many people have commented on the maturity of their writing skills and this has been proven with their continued success in the various competitions they take part in. Through the rest of this year TR8R will be recording their first album, they intend to attract as much media interest as possible and are busying up their live schedule to reach a wide audience and increase their fan-base.

Their live performance is bursting with energy and includes a superb mix of covers and original material, if you’re looking for a band that people will remember and want to see time and time again, then look no further!

For bookings, reviews, merchandise, music and all things TR8R please visit the following;

http://www.tr8r.co.uk

http://www.lemonrock.com/tr8r

http://www.facebook.com/pages/TR8R/122223325330

http://www.myspace.com/tr8r07

HIGHLIGHTS FROM THEIR WEBSITE (with guest commentary from our submitter)

VICKY

Influences and Inspirations:
Nickelback, Paramore, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Puddle of Mud, Seraphim, Billy Talent, Michelle Branch, Leane Rhymes, Hayley Westenra….the list goes on forever! [if that's true, why did you put all the shit bands at the beginning??]

“I went for piano lessons when I was 11 and my teacher said that I should consider singing, so I did, and here we are!” [translation: you were so shit at piano your teacher palmed you off onto some other poor bastard]

Favourite Drink:
Water [\m/]

If I ruled the World…
I would enforce my own rules and if people didn’t like them I would throw them off! [*fear*]

MIKEY

Background:
I am attend Chesham Park Community College and due to my love of music and am taking Music and Music Technology at A-level. My plan at the moment is to continue on the career path of life in management and production after A-level or fulfil my dream by playing pro in a band. [Well if that doesn't work out you could always teach English. Oh wait...]

GEORGE

People will tell you I have a very wide taste in music, from the Mamma Mia soundtrack to Rage Against the Machine… [snip]

CONOR

My favourite music styles are a bit of Pop-Rock, Club Rave, Funk-Rock basically anything with a rocky side that I can boogie to! However, I dislike Screamo, Emo and basically anything that depresses me. [I know drums are loud but HAVEN'T YOU HEARD YOUR OWN BAND?!?!]

HIGHLIGHT OF GIG LIST

Thursday 12th March 2009
Red Nose Day, Chesham Park School

[...aaaaaand I'm spent.]

Peter Parker – His Voice. His Rockin Guitar. His Stompin. No one else can tear up the stage the way he does. He rips it up! Giving everything. Never holds back. Losing himself. Asking for nothing in return. He doesn’t care when he’s up there. The audience knows. And they go CRAZY! Screaming. Singing. Dancing. He moves. Stamps a rocking rhythm. His feet banging on the stage. Like an African Tribal dancer. Swinging his guitar this way and that. The world has never seen anything like it. And never will again. They want a piece. But they can’t have it. No one else can do what he does. One man. His guitar. His sweet sweet valve amplifier. His Soul. His Spirit. Never fearing. Facing the unknown. On an adventure. Bringing everyone together. But just for the moment. That’s the way it should be. Then he’s gone. To live life his way. The audience theirs. And they know. Peter Parker rocks.