Shut Up, Bands

… the Basingstoke Gazette.

The Angry Years are a new band that want to sound like The Smiths playing Motown. They aren’t quite there yet, but their hope springs eternal.

Oh what the hell. I’m up for a free plug now and again.

In 1996 The Bluetones turned down an interview request. I’m still not sure I have entirely got over this.

“Your fanzine features Orlando & Plastic Fantastic therefore it is not worth the paper it is on! We may considered it otherwise. Yours, The Bluetones.”

KISS KISS WITH COMPLIMENTS.

Some old fan-mail.

Our latest EP release went straight to number 1 in the both Chesterfield and Sheffield independent single charts and then remained in the top 10 for the next 4 weeks. Selling a total of 214 CDs over the 4 weeks.

Ummmmmmmm. The “Chesterfield and Sheffield independent single charts”?

Stupid Myspace comment.

Hey there!!
We just wanted to thank you for either adding us or accepting our request, we appreciate your patience too as our page is very basic at the moment with not much material which puts you in a unique position!! We are a new band and are working on material as we speak, the cool thing is you get to watch us develop musically and as a band in general :-)

How stupid and, uh, un-unique is that? Oh, the insertion of a smiley face makes me almost feel guilty. :-(

The songs we are due to record over the next few weeks are bangin!! (There no ego in there at all, my words are chosen carefully and on the basis of ‘would I buy this music myself….?’)!! So please just keep your eyes peeled for updates on our Blog and the occasional bulletin!!

Too many exclamation marks. :-(

Forwarded by another promoter. You’ll have to work out who, if that sort of thing is of GREAT IMPORTANCE to you.

It’s another you could file under ‘actually quite sweet’ but, hey, sob stories bore me and I’m feeling bitchy (FOR A CHANGE!!!!!! SHE ADDED SOMEWHAT SARCASTICALLY).

Hello.
My name is ****.

I am Shonen Knife fan who lives in Japan.
I will go to see the show of Shonen Knife held in 6/17 in your venue.

It is the first that I go to England.
It looks forward to it very much.

I did preparation for a trip to England.
I prepared for both an aviation ticket and a passport.
I prepared for packing of the trip in the suitcase, too.

But, I don’t have the most important thing.
I couldn’t buy the ticket of the show.
When I saw https://www.wegottickets.com/, a ticket had already been sold-out.

Nooooooooooooooo!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!

I don’t stop the plan of the trip.
I will surely see the show of Shonen Knife in your venue.

May I ask you a favor.
Could you sell a ticket to me on the day of the show?

Please give me an answer by email if it is possible.
I am sorry to trouble you.

I am so sorry in poor English.
Yours sincerely.
****

HOW DOES THIS PAINFUL STORY END?

Well, I dunno.

UPDATE: Oh, ok, you can read the ending by checking out the comment underneath.

Oo-er, check out Mr Controversial and his views on Michael Jackson. The fella obviously only had three minutes to write and submit his column to The Times this week. Choice quotes:

“Michael Jackson nearly killed me once.” (Gotta start your article with that ‘shocking’ first line, obviously.)
“if you think his music is that great, try humming me Thriller. You can’t.”
“And who’d want to try stuff like the moon walk anyway?”

Have a gander at his amazing words here.

THIS SENTENCE IS ALL IN CAPS.

When I’m editor of the NME (I hear there’s a vacancy in this chair), all reviews will be like this one.

RIP Swells.

The who email consisted of two telephone numbers, a link to a Myspace page and the words

to poor to make a demo CD

… is what ex-Luxembourg guitarist Rob said, on discovering this blog. TOO LATE. HA HA IN YOUR FACE, ROB.

From Wikipedia:

They released most of their music through their own record label Dogbox Records. Luxembourg were never signed to a major label.

To whomever added that second sentence there – I love you. I am going to go through every split-up indie band on Wikipedia and add that sentence. <3

While a great number of bands obviously have genuine gushing quotes from the Proper Music Press, there are an even larger number who haven’t quite got to that stage and have to stick with glowing quotes from promoters (ahem) – who obviously aren’t going to preview a band using BAD WORDS – or vaguely positive quotes from a longer and perhaps average review. Some of them don’t even make any bloody sense. Here are a few snippets of wisdom relating to three different bands, all proudly displayed on their Myspace pages.

“It’s Wild Boys meets Stephen Hawking”. Review from slicethepie.com

Amazing. A review from a slicethepie user, who would’ve got 3p for their opinion before swifty moving onto the next musical abortion. Carry on.

“Their music is full of passion, powerful choruses thus combined with the angular tones of lead singer Joe make these boys indie’s favourite new band” – Glasswerk

The singer has ‘angular’ tones? And who is this ‘indie’ person of which they speak?

“The best band I’ve seen at Nambucca since the Holloways” – Jericho Promotions

Thanks.

“Great songs… eclectic and witty.” – Mark Cooper, Producer of Later…with Jools, Head of BBC Music Entertainment, feature writer for Q and MOJO magazines

Love the drawn out explanation as to who Mark Cooper actually is. Same band:

“there are some sweet, sweet sounds going on in there…very whimsical and experimental and thoroughly pleasant…” – Fierce Panda Records

Fierce Panda, however, didn’t sign them. The same band is obviously quite pleased with this endorsement:

“Thanks, I’ll listen to it in my car on the way home!” – Jonny Greenwood, Radiohead

Beautiful.

We can do a set without swearing if required.

PUNK ROCK!!!

we do promise a lot of great music and a lot of gorgeous people as our fans