know your market

Or, “The Worst Event Invite I Ever ‘Ad”

Hi Shut Up, Bands

Having won multiple awards including ‘Outstanding Services to the Industry’ at the London Club & Bar Awards 2012 and ‘Best UK Promoter 2008′ [really? - SUB], SINTILLATE have hosted over 7000 parties and are famous for our Champagne Spray Parties at Ocean Club in Marbella! Some of the videos we produced from our parties have had over 1 million hits on Youtube.

We have had the who’s who of celebrities attend our parties over the years with recent guests including One Direction, The Wanted, Little Mix, Bruno Mars, Drake, Tulisa, Alesha Dixon, Katie Price, Joe Calzaghe, Amir Khan, the cast of Hollyoaks, TOWIE, Geordie Shore, Made In Chelsea and many more! [I'm sold - SUB]

Every Saturday, SINTILLATE welcomes the Capital’s elite to enjoy an amazing night in the truly spectacular venue, Shaka Zulu. This two floored open plan ‘Vegas styled’ Camden venue boasts 20ft statues, escalators descending from the ground level entrance and a state of the art sound system. It’s easy to see why Shaka Zulu recently won ‘Best Interior’ at The London Club & Bar Awards 2012. [And it still manages to look horrific - SUB]

This two floored venue boasts a capacity of over 800 guests and set over groundbreaking 27,000sq feet, it’s the pinnacle of partying within The Stables Market in Camden. Shaka Zulu immerses you in Africa [bet they don't even play Toto - SUB] as you take a step inside the beautifully designed venue with carved wooden murals covering every inch of its walls and ceilings. It really is a beautiful space to host a SINTILLATE party!

We return to the stunning Shaka Zulu this Saturday, with SINTILLATE Director of Music Rich Stone joining us to play an eclectic set of house, club classics and disco. [All ma fave genres. How did I get on this list? Must've joined it whilst drunk - SUB]

We’ve fantastic music from our world class DJ’s, you?ll be swept away in the amazing atmosphere as you party the night away in gorgeous surroundings of Shaka Zulu; just ask Tom from The Wanted or Jennifer Metcalfe as seen in Hollyoaks [OK, I will - SUB], who’ve both celebrated their birthdays with us recently!

cover version of the day

I think we can all agree this a truly heartfelt rendition of fun.’s modern-day classic.

(Takes about 20 seconds to get going)

That is all.

a future psychpunk epicenter

A missive from Burning Motherfuckers.

Press Release

The conflagrant two-piece whose bravely elected pseudonym mirrors clenched fists and plans of mutiny, brings ether to preconceived anarchic torches. At the golden age of punks monogamous pureness these hippies would most likely be outcasts, but age is surely ripe for the psychedelic crossbreed of raving sonic tantrums and inner space explorations. If not, we who already embrace it will think highly of ourselves and pat our backs for knowingly and willingly hiking with the missile to a future psychpunk epicenter.

“Terrible band name” – son of Bjørn Eidsvåg

sex after the concert is optional (gumtree)

I have 2 x seated Radiohead tickets for sale to tomorrow nights (9th October) gig at the O2 arena also featuring Caribou. I am selling them for face value (£55 + £5 booking fee). The reason these 2 tickets are for sale is because it recently became apparent that my girlfriend (now ex), who was supposed to be coming with her friend, has been fornicated with 2 other men during our 3 year relationship. It is therefore necessary that the people purchasing these tickets be attractive females that will pose in flirty photos with us at the Radiohead gig – thus making the cheating cum bucket inconcievably outraged. The highest form of love for Radiohead is also mandatory. Sex after the concert is optional but encouraged. Cheers. Stu

Screengrab for future generations to savour:

Note to foreigners: Gumtree is our version of craigslist.

tom jones’ metal makeover

hi i do a tribute to ozzy ozzbourn and rock its the bees its a 2 part show
with lazer and lights and a 2 k rig just put in utube tony gold sings ozzy
no website at the mo as go out as tom jones for the last 19 years
not add it yet just a big fan lol

shit (the band)

SHIT NEED YOU!! Our little band have been playing all around the south, and now it’s time to travel the length of the country smearing our shite as we go. We are happy to play first, last, lock-ins and bedrooms, just anywhere with a PA which we can plug into and play away. Described as ‘The most unpretentious band we’ve had play in a long time’ by The Constitution in Camden, we sing merry little songs about Rape, Aids, Ham, World of Warcraft, Terrorism and Keeping Britain Tidy.

SHIT are a truly DIY Acoustic Punk band, our ‘shitkit’ is made of pots and pans and whatever else we can find. Each drumkit is built on the day of the show from locally sourced materials… We ask locals for building sites and skips and come armed with but a hammer and nails and fancy dress. We’ve taken this kit along with a ukulele, kazoo, double bass and guitar to many a venue including the 12 Bar, Constitution, Macbeth (London), The Hope, The Freebutt (Brighton), The Railway (Winchester) and surprisingly many more, all over the place. SHIT is certainly a live experience, however if you would like to bludgeon your eardrums further we are on Spotify and I-Tunes, and one of our super early Youtube videos has over 29,000 views (Search term Tit Wank probably helps… We’ve probably upset a few porn-searchers there!)

No shit.

Come December we will be embarking on the ‘Poo Piss Bum Willy Tit Wank’ tour, ensuring that everybody gives their child a swear word this Christmas. It will be to support our second album ‘You Can’t Polish a Turd’. We are looking for shows on route up norf between the 3rd-9th Dec, however if you’ve a suggestion of another date.. that’s cool too. If you have a slot which could work for SHIT, please do let us know, if you on the other hand believe that our band deserve to be decapitated and our heads thrown down the village well… please also let me know, we could become great friends.

All the best,
The Shits

how many pop groups does it take to turn on the christmas lights?

From the SUB inbox 2011 (yeah we keep all this shit to use WHEN WE FEEL LIKE IT).

My name is [Manager Name] writing to you as manager of the group [Band Name] a london based band. [snip]

Just to give you a little insight into where and what we have done previous: -

Jan 2008 an entertainment agency in Milton Keynes found us on MySpace and got in touch with us, we went and met up with them, they liked us and let us open Neyo’s gig. They liked us mainly because we were fresh and new and could see we had potential.

February 2010 we flew to Ireland with Chipmunk for a 2 date show. With this we managed to get ourselves on to Central ITV news. Here we are talking about our short term success and drive. We talk further more about our releases and future gigs etc.

Please note that during this interview we were signed to an independent label, but we are no longer.

In November 2010 we were asked to switch on the christmas lights St Helens along with R ‘n’ B group “Encore” and BGT finalists “Twist n Pulse” (pictures attached). It was [the Band's] third time performing in St Helens and the 8,000 plus crowd went crazy for the performance.

We are planning on organising turning the Christmas Lights on again at St Helens,2011 we,ve done this on two previous occasions,also turned on the lights in banbury 2009 with Blazing Squad.and preston 2009 with Dj ironik

Our main aim and what we really want to achieve now, is work on getting [the Band] well known in the UK. Its a tough market to break into but we all strongly feel its a matter of “when” and not “if”. The main thing we are looking to do is publish our latest song [Song 1] and [Song 2] [hey, that's two songs] . We are fortunate through a sheer twist of fate to be in contact with the head of Radio 1 George Ergatoudis which is a rarity for a unsigned act to do so but he likes us and wants us to raise our profile in the uk to give us radio support [are you sure about that?]. below is a quote taken from an email i received from george regarding our [Song 1] video

Hi [Manager].
You’d need to get 1Xtra interested before Radio 1.

I looked at the Youtube video.
It’s professional, but you are making music in pretty much the most competiive genre in the UK music business right now.
You’d have to build your profile over here first before I’d consider radio support.

George Ergatoudis
Head Of Music
BBC Radio 1 and BBC Radio 1Xtra


Their appearance at the Christmas lights ceremony in St Helens in 2012 is not currently known.

wanted: female bassist, must be sellout whore

Via Gumtree.

We are an establishing indie/rock female band who formed a few months ago, and now have offers from two major labels. Material is written and only now need to be recorded to complete the contract. Our bassist had to leave due to lack of commitment. We are set to be a four piece band again asap, a lead singer/guitarist, rhythm guitarist, drummer and are now in search for a female bassist, who can also sing backing vocals. As the style, quality and image for this band is quite particular, we need band members who are:

• Flexible in dressing/image for stage performances, interviews, and anything else on the band. – We carry a touch of masculinity and carelessness in image and voice, the lead singer carries a low toned voice which requires similar expectations for backing vocals
• A small bust and an average to skinny figure (Has a look that could fit into the band drawing image)
• Between ages 19- 24
• 100% committed to the band
• Ambitious minded and confident
• Open minded to ideas and cooperative
• Willing to learn and perform material that has already been written (This is music aimed at the media, it is not completely about what we like)

Our influences include The Strokes, Young the Giant, Arctic Monkeys, Kings of Leon, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Pearl Jam, Wolfmother and The Who. We vary by using fusions from eastern ragas, creating songs that familiarly fit into mainstream music, which is why we are on a roll. Our material and history has been temporarily hidden due to the search for new members.

The managers are aware that it is quite difficult to find female musicians who the bass. If you have any musical background or even own one of these instruments and are ready to get to the top we are willing to cooperate and try it out with you.

Please send photos and audiolinks.

So look out for The Swaras, the hot new band playing music for ‘the media’ and if anyone else likes it, it’s a bonus.

shut up, student journalists

The Glasgow Journal was recently awarded “Student Publication of the Year”. Well done to them.
It’s just a shame that in their article on Metronomy bassist Olugbenga Adelekan, they accidentally printed of photo of dubstep producer Benga. And mentioned Benga in the headline. Still, it could’ve been a photo of Adele.

Bit embarrasing.

ghetto chic costumes, essex accent

Has it really come to this?

The Jessie Jayne show is the leading Tribute to the Mega star Jessie J.

From the Ghetto chic costumes, the Essex accent and the unique powerful vocals and energetic stage presence the Jessie Jayne Show brings this to life being the UK’s leading tribute to Jessie J.

The show has toured the UK and abroad and has received excellent comments from many respected musicians and agents. Regularly being rebooked by many clients.

Mmm, that’s hott.
Mmm, “clients”.

strong opening statement

This is from… a band?

it is certainly not a matter of overconfidence or arrogance to look at the works of Charles Darwin and Bill Gates and find your own close to both, in a way.
To be honest, it does take guts and, perhaps, a little eccentricity – which are main characteristic attributes to novelty, no matter where it applies. Newton’s biographers may confirm this.

They describe themselves as “avant-garde”. Obviously.

it pays to be a journalist. literally.

Want to want live reviews and not get paid? Well there are plenty of opportunities for you out there in the world of ‘media’, from the smallest blogs to the biggest newspapers. But ‘Guitar Media’ magazine (hmmmmm… nope) recently took it a step further by asking for a £49.99 annual fee for privilege of writing for their rag.

They try to reason

We need to make sure that we get only serious applicants. Paying for this service means that you are committed to creating informative reviews that meet deadlines. At the end of the day you will be getting into these concerts as a member of the Guitar Media press team for free and we could be sending you to many many concerts every year. If we offered this for free we would be inundated with people just wanting free concert tickets and its [sic] possible that no reviews would be sent to us. This is why we have to charge a fee.

Or you could, you know, pay your writers.
(And you could probably do with a sub-editor too.)

The blog post has since been taken down but fortunately Google’s saved a copy for you to read.

battle of the bands gets probed

Live And Unsigned, the “UK’s largest competition for original music” (it claims), is being probed by the Advertising Standards Agency after failing to provide the prizes originally advertised. Serves the bands right for entering a pay-to-play contest, really. One band (OOH, A SECRET SOURCE) told us they went through the first stage (£10 entry fee) but pulled out of the second one when they were told they’d have to sell 25 tickets at £8 each as well as show the ‘promoters’ all the evidence of how much work the band had done to publicise the event. Oh and they were only allowed to play one song.
Hey bro, come and give us £8 so you can see us play one song.
Nah, that’s OK.

But the problem with the prizes being offered of festival slots for the winning bands? The two festivals were cancelled. Brilliant. Full story over at the Beeb.

great way to make a venue feel special

I love a good, old fashioned, failed mail merge.

email from app developer

back once again with the renegade master, or something

Hi. We’re back.

We are a new Gypskazz band.
We have an unique sound that combines the traditions of gypsy jazz with Londonbeat and second and third wave Ska.
The set consists of covers (made gypskazz) such as The Pink Panther, Bad, Lithium by Nirvana and jazz classics such as Nat King Cole’s Nature Boy made famous by David Bowie in Moulin Rouge, and From Russia with Love, a James bond classic. The band also plays a few original tunes such as infamous ‘London Town’ written by Melzebra.

Our last gig we were described as “refreshing, different and exciting.”
As you may already know, gypsy jazz ska or gypskazz is a very in vogue sound at the moment.
So will be a great night of music and entertainment.

Googling ‘gypskazz’ will bring up the name of this band and the names of no other bands within this hot new genre. That’s hot. You can say you were there at the start.

how to dress punk – for girls

LOL wut.

[via Buzzfeed]

dear loser

Sub Pop used to send charming rejection letters in the ’90s.

From… Sub Pop

Dear Loser,

Thank you for sending your demo materials to Sub Pop for consideration.

Presently, your demo package is one of a massive quantity of commendable material we receive every day at Sub Pop World Headquarters, and is (due to time and volume restrictions) on it’s way through the great lower intestine that is the talent-acquisition process*.

We appreciate your interest in Sub Pop and wish you the best in your pursuit.

Kind Regards.

*This is a form letter. This letter is what is known as “a rejection letter.”

If my eye is twitching right now, it’s because of their erroneous apostrophe.

[Via Letters Of Note (click link for a scan of said letter) and @brooner]

gary bushell – bit of a knob


An extract.

Based out of Southampton in Hampshire (south coast of England), SUMMERS has hit the music scene worldwide with a vengeance!

This is a talented group of singers and musicians who devote time to vocal harmony, evoking memories of classic rock bands like Bon Jovi and the Eagles. The skin-tight, twin-guitar riffs of Hickling and Sepala may take you back to Thin Lizzy days.

Safe to say that SUMMERS – the charismatic new British bad boys of rock are headed for the rock and roll hall of fame! Stay tuned for more!

“You will believe Classic Rock is alive and well, you will sing the songs all the way home, you will get your daughter pregnancy tested in the morning!! SUMMERS debut album could well have as many hit singles as Def Leppard’s Hysteria”. Gary Bushell – Former music critic of Sounds Magazine and now journalist for THE PEOPLE newspaper.

How’s that going?

the indie cliche drinking game

With the document ominously titled ‘Regional Release’, it makes one wonder what kind of press release the national press got instead.

We have taken the liberty to embolden some of it for our own amusement.

Wake the President announce Album & UK Tour Details

WTP are set to return with a remarkable second album, Zumutung!, on 31 October. Recorded at Glasgow’s celebrated Chem 19 studios and produced by Paul Savage (Franz Ferdinand, King Creosote, The Phantom Band), Zumutung! is darker, more experimental and more anthemic than its predecessor but, as ever with WTP, the brooding poetic undertow is countered by ebullient tunes.

The Sandberg twins remain based in Glasgow, but travel and displacement had a bearing on the Zumutung! aesthetic. ‘When I wrote the album I was splitting my time between Glasgow and London,’ muses Erik of its genesis. ‘The Mega-Bus provided plenty of time for catching up on the Zola or Camus novels that I’d amassed, and I actually wrote [lambent post-punk aria] ‘In Youth, There is Pleasure’ and [alt-rock romantic exodus] ‘This is New’ in a poxy bed-sit in Hackney.’

On writing the single, Erik muses thus: ‘I remember reading Kierkegaard at the time. I was in a terrible state. I took an idea from him regarding repetition (Repetition and Other Philosophical Crumbs) and ran with it. I like having my own imaginary conversations with writers about their ideas. It amuses me – especially if they’re dead…’

Bjorn identifies internal wrangles as another source of inspiration on Zumutung!. ‘Without using a cliche, it was a pretty dark time for both of us personally, for various reasons, when we were making the album,’ he reflects. ‘Tensions were high between us as brothers and friends – Paul Savage sent me home one afternoon! But I think that prickly tension and energy comes across on the album, and it’s something which I like about it,’ he says.

While Zumutung! is entrenched in literature, counter-culture and philosophy – and while its themes of love, loss, obsession and hope are as universal as its melodies – Zumutung! is musically and lyrically signposted by WTP’s home city. ‘I cycle through Glasgow’s Clyde Tunnel every day’ says Erik, a tireless seeker of new ideas and inspiration. ‘It’s a great place for stealing lyrics from the graffiti…’

This appreciation for counter-culture is at the heart of Wake the President’s charms. It’s in their association with Glasgow DIY uprising We Can Still Picnic, and their self-run imprint, Say Dirty Records. It’s in their love of Postcard, heavy vinyl, pamphleteering and graffiti. It’s in their visionary, vintage indie-pop that’s fighting fit for our dancing feet, and our curious minds, and our fragile hearts.

*slow clap*

promoter + maths = ???

Sometimes, bands just like to copy us in on email discussions. Well, this has only really happened one time and we never got to see the response from the promoter, if there was one.

A band responds to a gig offer from a promoter.

From our discussion I understood:

you hire a venue with a capacity of 100 people
you book 6 bands
you charge 5 pounds on the door
you keep all the money from the first 10 people there to see each band
any more than 10 people for each band and the band gets 100 percent of the money
you promote the event via facebook

So that means if the place is full, each band has brought 16 people (this adds up to 100, roughly) so each band can make a maximum of 30 pounds for the extra 6 they bring, yet you earn 300 pounds. You told me that you keep the money to cover your expenses.

Following our discussion I called the venue and asked how much to hire it. They told me 65 pounds.

We’d all like a job where you earn 235 pounds to make a facebook event and a few phone calls and to have people working for you for a tiny amount of money. Dress it up as you want but it’s clearly an attempt by a chancer to make a few bucks off of other people’s art. Bit of an awful thing to do. Why don’t you get a real job?

Thanks for the offer, but I’m gonna say no.