look at our fucking hipster app

Hey Guys,

Hoping to get in touch with the right person. We just hit 25k users in East London and we’re currently in the process of meeting with and speaking to local businesses to see if they would be a good fit for [Company Name].

We’re relatively selective in who we choose to work with (maintaining the hipness of [Company Name] and continuing to grow is our goal at the moment) but you guys obviously fit the bill.

I have some time later this week if you guys are interested, more then happy to cycle up and give you a bit more information.

A bit more information… like WHAT YOU ACTUALLY DO would be nice… aside from ride a fixie. WOO, EAST LONDON STEREOTYPES AHOY. Got loads more where that came from.
(boldness ours. just cos stuff.)

a testimonial from someone we work with

Our engineers who worked with famous Rock bands (including members of Guns N’Roses and Judas Priest) believe that our upcoming 2014 album has a strong commercial potential

the funny thing is…

I am the manager of a band known as [Band Name] who play heavy metal music and have been very successful playing in pubs and where ever we go they tend to have a really good following. The band do lots of their own material and are currently working on 5 new songs as well as some covered songs too, The funny thing about it is the main two members of the 4 piece band are actually consultants from [a] hospital in Stevenage.

Having a day job is hilarious.

need a band? look no further!

Suddenly, this arrived in the post, addressed to “The Guvnor”.

A great letter

Second class. The cheek of it.

i know students are generally hard up, but come on…

Josh has a great deal for you all.

A terrible deal

at least they didn’t blow the roof off

After debut performance at [a venue] last Saturday which left spectators stunned and asking where they’re playing next, [the band] are ready with their new line up and are seeking to elevate thier profile by gigging at your prestigious venue.

Be warned however that they are a ‘real deal’, time-served rock group and will blow off stage any small timers. So be sure to put them on with someone who can hold their own and who have a few fans! Failing that, they are a safe headline act and have a few fans of their own.

teenage kicking

Hope this email finds you very well, please may i ask could you check out young bucks 2 piece [Generic One Word Band Name] brand new video & debut single
Brand new song based guitar/indie/rock.. very analogue/lo fi.. but very commercial as well… these kids love songs & ‘Teenage Kicking!’

Total dad manager.

punctuation, please

Hi there i notice you have live bands in [the venue] and i would love you to have my bands come play a gig in your pub i have proffessional bands that can deliver a solid great punchy vibe with a fantastic vocal range we specialise in reggae music and would love to entertain your diverse crowd who i am sure will appreciate them. I can arrange for you to listen to the bands songs by sending you some music to listen to please get in contact with me so i can arrange this soonest i kook forward to your reply

nobody gives a shit about your billboards

As seen on MTV and billboards everywhere. Urban artist ENV will be hitting up venues across the UK with his Sweet Nightmare tour after returning recently from Germany.

ENV and the Associates have been winning critical acclaim up and down the country with this tour and students have been going mad for not only the music and high energy shows but also the free gifts given away.

who the hell is stead?

CC’d to like a 100 venues and publications.

Stead told us your e-mail contact, I hope you dont mind if i ask you about your venue and concerts! We are the hungarian experimental duo called [Band Name]. We are planning our UK / London tour. Do you have any opportunity to play a gig at your place? Maybe on october-november would be good for us… it would be the best solution for us that if we could join for a festival and play with more bands. Is it any music festival in the future at your place what is fit for our style? So its just a short and debut e-mail so we would like to know that how is the experimental scene at your place. What are the rules and opportunities? (conditions, accommodations, payment, travel costs etc.) What do you think about this idea?
Thank you very much and greetings from Hungary!

about us: llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
[Band Name] are two Hungarian experimental musicians and visual artists. Formally, they play in experimental-noise style with folk and dark ambient elements. Otherwise, usually their performances contain improvised and instictive sounds and harsh guitar noises. Some roared lyrics with experimental phonation sometimes with a live looping performance. The pair has a strong unit. The distorted industrial instrumentation (guitar, keyboard, flut) serving as counterpoint and complement to Kinga’s poetry, which takes the form of aggressive growls, and wails. Their work is characterized by alienation and sometimes their sounding makes the listener feel uncomfortable.

“strong man shape cups” guest post from china

Hello!

Do u have interest in buy high fashion glass cups from China?

Currently,we have a few artiles of hand made which is two walls.Some of them are skull shape cups,strong man shape cups,lady shape cups,etc,

We can print your logo on it if u need. The attacked are the price list with product pictures in it.

If u have interest,pls tell me.

This is the ‘sexual strong man’ cup.

Strong Man Cup

And this is a ‘Christmas glass cup’. Your guess is as good as mine.

Christmas Cup?

Happy nightmares.

shut up, bands loves failed mail merges

Subject: Inquiry – [not provided]

Hi Sir or Madam,

I came across [not provided] via a published event online and I wanted to schedule a call to find out a little more about your business and the events you run.

We work with nightlife venues, promoters and organisers to supply a unique broadcast and publishing service that reaches up to 50 event listing sites and delivers new business inquiries, ticket requests, group and pre-bookings.

We have a great track record of increasing exposure and increasing ticket sales, I’d like to see if there is a business opportunity between us and [not provided] too.

Please let me know when the most suitable time to discuss would be.

How about never? (He will call anyway. And again. And again. And again…)

you will sleep well like a crying soul… lost

Do you remember BRAIN DEATH ZOMBIE?
Our manager and frontman visited you a few days ago.

This alleged meeting never happened.

We would like to have a gig,so I am writing a message to you.
We would like to play more and more.
If you give us a chance, our manager and frontman are going to visit you again.

That almost sounds like a threat.

This is BRAIN DEATH ZOMBIE’s biografhy and infomation!!
Please Check it!!

Biograpny

BRAIN DEATH ZOMBIE are…

Vo ZOMBIE
Gt R
Gt TK
Ba KAIKI
Nsp S

Genre: Heavy Rock  

Biography
Formed in May 2011 in Kobe, Japan, BRAIN DEATH ZOMBIE is signed to SPACE DOG Record. They played extensively headlining their own shows as well as supporting Glen Matlock in August 2011.
They released the 1st album BRAIN DEATH ZOBMIE in March 2012.
Relocated in London in Oct 2012, they are currently attracting UK fans.

Band interests

Tool . Soulfly. Korn. Killswitch Engage . Ill Nino. Ministry. Skinny Puppy. John Murphy. Portishead. Ruby Throat. Sankai Juku.

Description

You are invited to the mystery tour of our world of good and evil. Absorb the euphoria, lose your breath and enter the realm of the blind. Condense your anger to the max and release it! Be aware! The world has drowned you. With the newfound deadly awareness you will sleep well like a crying soul…lost.

Ooh, BLIMEY. :-(
This was regarding a gig at an acoustic venue, by the way.

They sound as you might expect. I can particularly recommend ‘Death Million’.

\m/

not really sure what the question is

goodmorning is it possible one live ?of valerio scanu italian sanremo winner 2010 very famous in italy an suisse all the best

Yup. That was the whole email.

keep calm and fuck off

Hey, we run a pretty cool record label, guys, yeah? So I know what kind of poster will entice people in to work for us for free. The kids love this shit, don’t they? derp derp

Stupid rubbish Keep Calm poster

not sure if meth or bot

A series of emails sent around 1am on a Monday to a venue, compiled for your viewing pleasure. The bits in square brackets are ours. The rest is theirs. ENJOY. I think.

-

here is the date of _ execution as _

_ with full torture.

and here is your _ as _ .

_ as _

I’m sitting right there.
ask me about it.
maybe you can save them.

PS you have to take _ _ _ .
that’s the flip.
in the car.

_.

_ and _

pick up the phone in 10 minutes the us army have their names. we know
that _ is still there and _ is at the bar.

they will be executed under their wigs as if you don’t put [Guitarist From A Reasonably Well Known Hackney Band]
on the phone out there.

and if you don’t pick up they will both be tortured.

[10 minutes later...]

thanks your _ are _

_ from the _ that deals in the [The Venue] in London confesses to
all charges.

_ and _ pass my spells.

they are _.

thank you for your time.

The US ARMY HAVE THIS NOW.

_ is DEAD!

when you watch _ _, you can think of the phone calls that maybe could
have saved their lives.

That’s your flip.

PS – they won’t.

the last thing _ hears will probably be the ringing of a phone.

PS _ ENJOY THE REAL FLIP.

you’ll be begging for _.

Wow, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here huh?

_ confesses to manslaughter charges.

The following names were _ in here, but _ _ _ .

_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_

a dump with a chav in it (_ IN THE _) ps you’re a _ now. go drop LSD bitch.

WOW. look at all that crime.
no wonder I’ve heard of your shit bar.

Lovely stuff.

please don’t mind ma crap video

Good morning , ma name ‘s edward, some people call me ugobam.
What it ‘s yea, i ‘ve been recording wit a studio in soho, oxford. They asked me to go to places n sing, do open Mic so people can hear it. They gave me the beats to the song in a cd to sing on top of it. Ma link….
please don’t mind ma crap video. I just called friends n did it wit dem sometime ago. Many thanks, ed.

sure, we could sit back & work nine to five jobs

Raiding the email archives from the last couple of years, when suddenly…

Transporting listeners to a place where melody reigns, sounds clash and combine, and feedback fills the sky, HOWL is a state of mind as much as a band. Hailing from North Ayrshire, this four-piece force is on a musical mission to restore rock to its rightful place: the hearts and minds of the people.

We like noise, and we like it in large quantities. When asked what drives HOWL, the answer is simple – a shared love of music, and a shared love of playing it loud and fast. Drawing influences from a multitude of styles, it is rock and roll that keeps the hearts of HOWL beating to the same drum.

Lyrically deep, musically profound, will make you smile, break your heart & fill you with a feeling of vitality never before deemed possible via the means of audio. Songs filled with infectious melodies, soft, yet stubborn & angry in all the right places. Cheeky & witty, diverse, yet distinctive. A sound derived from the fun & struggles of everyday life, dripping with a hunger & a drive to improve.

Yeah sure, we could sit back & work nine to five jobs watching the world go by, but we know we’re not here for that, We’re here to entertain. With one direction, one aim and one sound. A sound that ignites, delights and uplifts leaving you with a sense of fulfilment and a belief that maybe, just maybe, ‘HOWL’ are here to make the world a better place…

If you’ve been waiting for something, anything, to save you from the vagaries of daily existence, this is your chance to escape – even for a little while. And it really couldn’t be simpler. Just press play, and let the music do the rest.

don’t like them very much anyway

Apparently if I take a pic of The National and put it in my portfolio without consulting their people first, it could cause them “irreparable damage.” Well, fancy that.

The National photographer's contract

Bit weird.

(Source: Music Photographers)

sorry about that!

I’m [Name] and I’m 14 years old. I play the guitar and sing, both covers and originals. I was wondering what I would have to do to get a gig at [Venue]?

I tried to upload a video of me performing one of my own songs at the [Different Venue] last week but it exceeded the limit. If you would like to hear me, some of my songs are on iTunes. Sorry about that!

<3